Swearing by children

How do you react to a child's swearing?

Just you mind your language
If your little princess starts swearing like a trooper, how you react can make all the difference, Pete May discovers

Pete May
Wednesday February 2, 2005

Guardian

My adorable six-year-old daughter first used the F-word a few months ago while standing on the stairs having a tantrum about not wanting to go out. In fact she repeated the phrase "fucking hell!" several times with perfect adult intonation. I earnestly explained that such words were taboo and only used by adults when they were very angry. "Well, I was very angry!" she said. Then I explained that her teacher would send her out of the class for using such words, and that Daddy would be upset if she used them and so would her grandmothers, and she didn't want to give Daddy ouchy feelings now, did she?
That put a stop to the matter, but later I was beset by guilt. Was it my fault for taking her to see West Ham play? Or had she heard me using the phrase during an early morning rush? I wasn't really sure what to do, liberal dad that I am. Clearly, soap and water are no longer the answer. But should you chastise or ignore swearing? And was the fact that I was so offended a sign of my lower-middle-class sensibilities - or, deep down, was I thinking that nice girls don't swear?

At first, swearing can be funny. "When my daughter Freya was three, we were shopping and she said: 'What's the point of taking me shopping if you're not going to bloody well buy me anything!'," says her mother, Julie Targett. "I had to turn my face away because I didn't want her to know it was funny. She was repeating exactly what she'd heard me say."

But with older children it's generally less than funny. Adam Pilgrim recalls how his six-year-old daughter Tara and her friends would giggle together and ask what the F-word was. "We try to chastise Tara if she uses rude words, but the problem is we both swear. So now we make each other apologise for our own swearing in the vain hope that the children won't pick it up," he says. "I try to put it in context. I tell her: 'I don't like hearing children swear, it's not something children do, but when you get to be an adult, you'll be able to do it.'"

The experts say that whatever you do, don't get mad. "A strong parental reaction is inflating swearing to something almost evil when what it is is silly," says Ann Horne, a child psychotherapist at the British Association of Psychotherapists. "What you really need to teach them is where swearing is inappropriate." In their book Raising Happy Children, Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson suggest having a rule that certain rude words can't be used in the house by either children or adults.

Suzie Hayman, spokeswoman for Parentline, also favours the subtle approach: "Children are testing out new words all the time. The words 'albatross' and 'fuck' are the same to them. When they learn that 'fuck' or 'shit' makes parents jump more than 'albatross', they'll go on using it. The best solution is not to react, to admit that you use them too, but tell them these words can upset people, there are times and places to not use them.

"A child will swear with her friends because it helps her fit in, but not in front of her teacher. They just need to know when the words are appropriate. I was on the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers with my 11-year-old godchild and I turned to him and said, 'You're about to learn when it is appropriate to use the words 'oh shit'."

"It's also a class thing," says Julie Targett. "Swearing is accepted more in upper- and working-class families. But my family is Daily Mail-reading middle-class. I remember a terrible reaction to a 'damn' when I was a child. I once said 'fuck' at the age of 40 in front of my mum. I was mortified and I had to carry on talking pretending I hadn't said it."

Do any of us want grown-up kids who are terrified to swear in front of us? Maybe all we can do is try to keep swearing out of the house until our children become adolescents - when parents and children will probably swear at each other as much as they effing well like.

[NottyImp]

That put a stop to the matter, but later I was beset by guilt. Was it my fault for taking her to see West Ham play?

That's certainly how I'd react...

[Colyngbourne]

I never react. The oldest has tried this the most, when vilifying myself in the heat of a rage, and especially towards myself when his friends are around to hear what my reaction is. Interestingly, my non-reaction sometimes leads to him thinking that 'I'm weak' (his phrase) for not jumping on him from a great height; other times I think he reckons it's cool. It has been very important for his school-survival and fitting-in that he swear amongst his friends but we've made it clear that it's not on in front of any other people - public, adult acquaintances, siblings etc.

The younger ones have sworn on the odd occasion but never to get a reaction.

Coly, you let your kid swear at you in front of his friends? I am appalled. No kid should ever get away with swearing at a parent, you are doing him a great disservice.

[Colyngbourne]

But if he is doing it to get a rise out of me, he will succeed if I start slamming down injunctions. That only antagonises the situation between us and encourages him to provoke more. (I have tried that route.) When I say I don't react, I mean I would probably suggest to the friend that the friend leave and show them the door. Son understands that he doesn't get away with it - I take away computer privileges etc - but at the moment of swearing, less response is more effective and removes any power of 'the word'. Besides, if your hormonal son rages at you by calling you a name which is fairly meaningless under the circumstances, it makes matters worse to jump down his throat. Swearing is the condensed air that can be seen, which doesn't scald, rather than the invisible steam which does. Said son and I are very close.

I will add that as he is getting older he is doing it less and less. It is simply an ineffective bit of behaviour he no longer needs.

Anyone else with pre-teens/teenagers want to comment on their experiences?

[youjustmightlikeit]

Sounds like he needs a holiday. At brat camp.

[Wavid]

I think I'm broadly with Col on this one. Were the boy (who's 12) ever to launch into a four lettered tirade at me, I don't think I'd go bananas. I suppose that's what they're after, and those 'magic' words would have had their (any) effect.

That said, I would be seething, inwardly.

Fortuneately, he's depressingly well-behaved, and his choice of profanity is 'bloomin'' which he does use irritatingly often, I must admit.

I was brought up in a household where 'bastard', 'bloody', 'piss' and 'bugger' were all used fairly frequently and openly by all. I think that was mostly just because of the amusement factor. 'Shit' now and again, but you had to be pretty sure of yourself before you did. Were I ever to have said 'fuck', though, all hell would have broken loose.

The trouble is that you can't escape the 'f' word, especially on TV these days, where they don't even wait till 9 o'clock anymore.

[Colyngbourne]

Thank you for your concern but no. :wink: It seems as if I've left everyone with the impression that this child is a yob and a brat, instead of someone who has simply used certain words when losing his temper.

Has no-one else here dealt with arguments with young people? All the parents I have spoken to have told of experiences similar to mine.

[Colyngbourne]

I will add, having now spotted Wavid's contribution, that these instances took place mostly when said child was 10/11/12 and now are reduced to one or two a year. In other respects, child is well-behaved, excellent company and witty/intelligent. Of course he does drop his towels/coat/bag/stinky shoes all over the floor and forget his dinner money/PE kit etc ... :wink:

[HP]

Surely, it's all a matter of instilling in kids an acceptable code of social behaviour when they're very young - and that includes speech. I have never been sworn at by my boys - behind my back, naturellement! - but to my face? Unthinkable! But I wouldn't dream of prohibiting them from using profanities - I use 'em too much myself for such hypocrisy. No - the simple rule has always been swear if you wish, but never in front of those who would be offended. There is a time and a place. There is also a rider: when they were younger the rule was: if you can't spell it, you can't say it!