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Old 16th Jul 2003, 10:12   #1
Wavid
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Default Forum 101

Forum 101 is a bit like Room 101, only much much better.

Everyone has to choose:

1 Book
1 Album
1 Movie
1 Companion, who must be from the public eye
1 other random thing

which they want banished forever from this planet.

As many goes as you like, with extra points awarded for curmudgeonly entries. Providing as much supporting material, eg Amazon links for the books etc, is also encouraged!
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Old 16th Jul 2003, 13:24   #2
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Okay, it took half the morning to work this out...

One book - Bid Me To Live by H.D.
A more self-absorbed pile of Bloomsbury pap I have not come across since

One album - The Blue Mask by Lou Reed
The only album where I hated all the songs without a meagre bars-worth of decent music to its name. Electro-banalities and a waste of my £7.99 at the time.

One film - Air Force One
The cliches and offensive stereotypes are one thing, the total collapse of plot and continuity another. This film sums up the worst of the popular face of film these days. And I could never stand Harrison Ford except as Indy.

One figure - It would have been too easy to say George Bush so instead I'm going for the most shudder-worthy, cringingly obseqious, slimy up-the-greasy-pole smugness that is Sebastian Coe. Hope he's no-one's personal chum here :wink:

One thing - Men's y-fronts, without a doubt. I acknowledge the (potential) comfort angle but there is nothing, nothing on this earth to commend the existence of y-fronts. They could create a generation of pant-phobics all on their own.

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Old 16th Jul 2003, 14:52   #3
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My go now!

One book - There are so many to choose from - Potter, Lord of the Rings, countless fantasy books involving mammoths. But the one book which deserves to be pulped must be Hannibal by Thomas Harris. So bad it might even be a joke, it ranks below even the works of Rodney Bilson in my pantheon of literary poo. Implausible plotlines, characterisations straight from the music-hall, it is so beneath what he had produced before, it brings tears to the eyes.

One album - I've Been Expecting You - Robbie Williams.
Williams is truly one of the least talented people in the world, yet his combination of lack of wit and dignity make him very popular. All of his albums are spit roasted turds, but this is the nadir. The problem is that his songs just aren't very good. The intolerable 'Strong' is a case in point, the chorus of which is simply an exercise in poor rhymes. Complete drivel.

One film - Bit tricky this, as i don't go to the cinema that often. But there is a clear defining factor here: I have only ever wanted to leave before the end of a film once, and that was when I went to see Vanilla Sky. I can't even be arsed to describe exactly why it was so poisonously awful. It just was. People who like this film should be boiled.

One figure - I thought about choosing God (I have a peculiar theological position - I believe in God, but I don't like him very much), but decided that would be far too smart-alec. So, I am going to choose Mick Hucknall instead. Just look at him:

Surely the world would be a better place without him in it? Surely?

One thing - Public Transport. Ours is so awful, we should get rid of it. Then, people should get together and make Bus clubs, and run it themselves. it's bound to be at least 3 times better. Our entire transport system is so awful, no one should be forced into the indignity of having to use it. Nothing is ever on time, and when it does arrive it smells of wee. My views on buses have been well documented elsewhere on Palimpsest, but this goes for the whole caboodle. That is, trains as well. Rubbish, the lot of it.
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Old 16th Jul 2003, 15:19   #4
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One book - Weaveworld by Clive Barker
"Set in contemporary England, two friends discover a secret magical world and are drawn into a battle between good and evil..." oh, really Clive, a secret world. You don't say? A battle between good and evil? Gosh. So not like your other books/poems/movies/teatowels, etc then? A great steaming pile of pompous ordure, and - thankfully - the book that put me off the whole fantasy horror genre before I'd barely started.

One album - Man on the Line by Chris de Burgh
The amazon review of this (5 stars) says "I think anybody with a heart and a soul would enjoy this album". Really? I had to go and see Mr de Burgh at one point in my life (as a reciprocal arrangement with the girlfriend of the day) and it eats into what's left of my soul every time I think of it. I had to listen to this lily-livered shite beforehand.

One film - Pretty Woman
I have certain issues with Julia Roberts anyway, but the real difficulties I have with this movie are 1) it's crap, and 2) there are still girls on the streets in LA who went there because PW sold them it as a dream. Dreadful.

One figure - Thatcher
Obvious? I don't care. One for the you-have-a-chamber-with-only-one-bullet-left game. And they say the oldies go in pairs, Margaret, so now that Dennis has escaped you, what else is there left to hang on for. Go now, you evil coiffured bitch bag whore.

One random thing - cycle helmets
Not motor bike helmets, but those absurd push bike jobs. Why do they have to look like that? Can't someone come up with something cool and groovy?
.
.
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Old 16th Jul 2003, 15:32   #5
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Oh lord, you're gonna have to boil me for liking Vanilla Sky but I'm with you on Mick Hucknall (he was actually my second choice for explusion - the voice and the hair.... In fact just the idea of the hair...)

(I also have the execrable Man on the Line downstairs somewhere but I can't bring myself to bin it, even though I only listened to it once in 1983, I think.)
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Old 16th Jul 2003, 16:54   #6
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One book - Hawksmoor by Peter Ackyod
Not even a proper phantasy novel, despite the trumpetting blurb on the jacket. Way too clever and literary by half. Rubbish.

One album - Druqks - Aphex Twin
Ditches the ambient vibe completely and goes for a mainstream MOR beat that's resonant of the Eagles.

One film - Heavenly Creatures
What is this!? Peter Jackson's back catalog might, you'd suppose, contain lots of groovy phantasy gloop, but no, it has this. Ugggh!

One figure - The Luddites

One random thing - Windows XP home upgrade
i was very impressed with the ease in which this system installed.my hardware was set up in seconds and everything was flying.it was like i had a new computer.i was over the moon but unfortunately this feeling of elation lasted for 2 days when it crashed big time.after reformatting my hard drive and painstakingly re-installing all of my software all seemed fine again.this system did not like a lot of my old software and would not accept it,but i was still impressed with the layout and speed of the system.i was over the moon,almost elated but you guessed it,3 days 4 hours later ,the mother of all crashes.the system itself is excellent but to say it is temperamental is an understatement.i have spent 200 quid upgrading my old pentium 2 to athlon xp and it seems fine at the moment .it does not seem to like outdated equipment.then there is the annoyance of having to phone to activate your copy of windows so all in all if your system is a few years old do not bother.i wish i hadn,t. Back to inventing the wheel YOU LOONS!
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Old 16th Jul 2003, 17:17   #7
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One book: "The Black Company", by Glen Cook.

This is the book that single-handedly stopped me reading fantasy. It is written by a man who is all but illeterate (I'm leaving this in for the irony value - thanks amner!) and is the biggest pile of rank awfulness I have ever come across. The fact that it gets 5 stars on Amazon and is seen as some kind of "underground classic" just goes to show that people who read fantasy on a regular basis know nothing.

One Album: "Topographical Oceans" by Yes.

God help us all. A more unlistenable prog-rock wank-fest it is hard to imagine. And people actually bought it, you know, and thought it was good.

One film: "Autumn in New York", starring Richard Gere and Winona Ryder.

I actually sat through this dreadfulness recently. The dialogue in it is without doubt the worst I have ever seen in a film. An example:

Winona (who is dying from a heart condition) travels back in a taxi from a party with caddish boyfriend Gere, suspecting he has had nookie with someone else whilst there. She asks him if he is lying to her, saying "You know, I can tell if someone is lying by putting my hand on their heart". Which she proceeds to do, and shock, he is lying! Tears, misery, filmic awfulness!

This film has scarred me for life.

:( One figure: Diarmuid Gavin, the Irish gardener.

I'm sorry, he's an extra-mural designer, isn't he? He builds silver rockets in people's gardens. I can't even bear the sound of his voice.

One random thing: the bin in my kitchen.

Every time I lift the lid, from whatever direction and however carefully, it falls off! I f*cking hate it.
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Old 18th Jul 2003, 14:51   #8
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Why not buy a new one?
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Old 18th Jul 2003, 15:33   #9
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Well, Lucoid, it's one of those situations where you put up with an irritating domestic thing because "buying a new bin" appears at number 138 on your list of things to do, and never makes it to the top.

But having said that, we're having a new kitchen done soon. I'm already fantasising about destroying it...
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Old 18th Jul 2003, 17:28   #10
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Having put up with bin-rage for 13 years, I threw ours out last year and have never regreted it. A carrier bag off a cupboard handle is less aesthetically pleasing but as soon as it's full, it goes out.
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