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Old 30th May 2007, 15:26   #31
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Default Re: The Palimpian Pen

Bump - this really is excellent stuff:

Originally Posted by Lord Vaughan-Scheite View Post
I hope you enjoy my entry. It's slightly more than 500 words, but artists such as yourselves will understand that one can not impose limitations on a thing of beauty. A short story is like a beautiful woman: if you try to keep it to 500 words or less, well, you really shouldn't.


by Lord S.W. Vaughan-Scheite

Jamie Jefferson grew up like any other androgynous shape-shifter with an unstable home life—that is, until he or she realised he or she had supernatural powers. Namely, the shape-shifting stuff.

Immediately upon noticing these powers, he or she floated out the window or something and set off on a variety of adventures without any apparent purpose.

First, he or she stumbled upon the Slapaheddon, the most dangerous scary magical creature in all the Six Worlds. He or she recognised it immediately, which you may find strange since he or she had never been on any sort of adventure before and hadn’t even known he or she belonged in this sort of company until recently. The Slapaheddon—try to keep up here—also recognised Jamie immediately, and, identifying him or her as some kind of vague, poorly-defined threat, tried to destroy him or her in some terrible manner or other.

Just then, Jamie’s great friend Goldenpair, who I’ve never mentioned before now, showed up and saved him or her with some bit of magic or other that he pulled out of his arse.

Then Jamie ran into another most dangerous scary magical creature in all the Seven Worlds. Just when it looked like he or she was done for, another of his or her good friends that I haven’t mentioned yet, or some other convenient magical power (which I haven’t mentioned yet) that he or she pulled out of his or her arse, appeared to save him or her.

Eventually, after Jamie had covered what I will say is eight thousand miles in the story, but which you can plainly see is about 800 yards on the helpful scale map provided at the front of this story, he or she heard a strange moaning noise. It was very moany and had the sort of effect on him or her that you would expect from a really moany moan.

As Jamie rapidly traversed some terrain that was drastically different than the terrain twenty yards back and turned a corner, he or she saw the dangerous scary magical moaner. It was The Moaron—a dangerous, scary magical creature that he or she recognised immediately, even though you might find this confusing since I haven’t mentioned it at all previously.

“Oi, Moron,” he or she shouted, “what are you moaning about?”

“All of my evil works have been destroyed by the dastardly Selfenwaffid—which, although he has never been mentioned before now, you will recognise as one of your great friends—so I’m having a desperate moan. And also I am going to destroy you in some terrible manner or other. Roar.”

The Moaron tried to blind Jamie with a scary magical laser beam directed from the top of its eerily hairless head, but Jamie suddenly pulled a fishing rod out of his or her back pocket, just like Shaggy on Scooby Doo used to do, and managed to hook a pair of sunglasses for himself or herself just in time to deflect the laser. The Moaron, though, reached into its back pocket and pulled out an atom bomb, and it looked like Jamie was done for. Just at that exact moment, Goldenpair reappeared from wherever it was that he had buggered off to a few paragraphs ago, and saved the day.

The end.

I should mention that I hope that the existence of a limited-edition hardback version of this story will not preclude me from being included in your prestigious publication. I am on very good terms with my publisher, and I am sure there would be no problems on our end.

Also, for anyone who might be interested, I'll be signing limited hardbound editions of my book this Saturday at the 'Dead Swanky' hair salon and lending library in Hertford's town centre. Arrive early, because demand is sure to be high, and one of the hairdressers always complains if there are a few people standing about while she's trying to work.
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Old 30th May 2007, 15:59   #32
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Default Re: The Palimpian Pen

Bump bump. So, any chance of a revised edition? I'm sure I can elevate my game to new heights, if properly motivated.
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