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Old 3rd Sep 2009, 12:47   #1
Noumenon
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Default Rejection Letters

Stranded In Lace, Lonely In Leather

The Clean Jerkin Press
218 Roughshod Rd
New Harcourt
Essex
EX21 3CP

14 August, 2002
Dear sir or madam,
Thank you for your recent (2001) submission. Unfortunately at this time we are not able to offer you page space within our flagship magazine owing to the high cost of publication in the current financial climate. However, it is our policy to offer nominal feedback regarding all submitted works.

I feel that, to be included by us, you would benefit from greater research into the typical content of SIL,LIL. Our principle market shows an excessive interest in sexual fetishism and all related retail and, generally speaking, classified adverts rarely run higher then thirty words or appear sans glamour image. As you will note, your manuscript fails on both counts.
Yrs sincerely,
Diane Vinwillue
Advertising Manager
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Old 3rd Sep 2009, 21:04   #2
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

Stranded In Lace, Lonely In Leather
The Clean Jerkin Press
218 Roughshod Rd
New Harcourt
Essex
EX21 3CP

29 November, 2002
Dear sir or madam,

Thank you for your recent submission. Unfortunately at this time we are not able to offer you page space within our flagship magazine owing to the high cost of publication in the current financial climate. However, it is our policy to offer nominal feedback regarding all submitted works.

The advertising team were certainly struck by the changes made to your manuscript. To reduce 3000 words to 30 would tax even the very best of our editors. We were also impressed by the effect of the verb changes. It’s remarkable that you were able to introduce a euphemism for masochistic masturbation into every sentence while retaining the original sentiments regarding the chicken who wished to fly.

No, we have never considered exploring scratch and sniff technology, and yes, we could smell it. Please refrain from including any more scents should you wish to submit advertising in the future.

While we could all agree that your mother looked glamorous in the photo, we suggest that you browse the magazine to ascertain in which sense we use the word 'glamour'.

Please remember that it is a basic requirement of advertising to offer either goods or services for sale.

Yrs sincerely,
Diane Vinwillue
Advertising Manager
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Old 4th Sep 2009, 16:26   #3
bill
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

Is the idea to do variations on the same letter?
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Old 4th Sep 2009, 16:40   #4
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

Actually... no. I was thinking "the same submission", preferably detail non-specific, but then rejections from many different publishers. Still, no harm done! The object is to bury the reader under as many rejections as possible after all.

I'm going to chalk fanshawe's piece down to the enticing nature of SIL,LIL. I feel it too, fs, I feel it too.

(that fs meant "fanshawe", not "fuck's sake", btw)
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Old 4th Sep 2009, 22:11   #5
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

I understood the nature of the project, but when I read Noumenon's I decided that the guy had rewritten and resubmitted his piece based on the nominal feedback that SIL, LIL gave in their first letter: obviously this isn't clear from the letter itself. I thought it would be interesting if we all reacted to the content of each other's letters rather than wrote variations on the theme.

Anyhoo, let's go back to the original plan and I promise not to deviate again!

Edit to say: I'm a maverick, dammit!
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Old 8th Sep 2009, 16:06   #6
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

Laff Til You Cry!

Crazy Face Publishing
Unit 7b, Dramburton Ind. Est
Dramburton
Worcestershire
DR3 1VT

30 Feb, 2008
Dear "Pen-Clown!"
Thanks for your "CRAZY" submission! I know you'll think I'm "MAD" to turn down your work, but I'm afraid we can't accept your submission at this time. Unfortunately your piece doesn't really match our usual "CRACKERS" output.

If I might be so bold (!) as to offer you a bit of advice - formatting your submissions to appeal to the publisher is always a good idea, and nothing screams "FUNNY" like Comic Sans. Maybe a little more focus on the punchlines as well, as I was finding it tricky to see where the jokes began and ended.
Yrs sincerely,
"Crazy" Arnold Jenkinson
"Mad" Submissions Manager
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Old 18th Dec 2011, 18:36   #7
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Default Re: Rejection Letters

I haven't had a rejection yet...I've never submitted anything. But, here is the best rejection I've read. (from an editor.)

"Sir, you don't need a publisher...you need a printer."
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