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Old 7th Mar 2007, 21:23   #1
beer good
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Default Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

Ono no komachi suggested this in the Rocky Balboa thread, so I just thought I'd get the ball rolling. Here are ten more or less awful movies that I can't help loving.

Now, I've spent a disproportionate amount of my life watching horror movies. It's going to reflect here – I tend to enjoy bad horror movies more than I enjoy bad movies in general. (Note conspicuous absence of movies like Return of the Living Dead, Evil Dead Part II, Zombie Flesh Eaters or Bad Taste; there is nothing bad about those.) And no, I have no idea why so many of these movies have radioactivity in them. I suppose it's a good plot device.

THEM! (1954): Not to be confused with last year's brilliant French/Romanian shocker; this is the 1950s horror movie about... giant... radioactive... ants wreaking havoc in Arizona and LA, and somehow humanity is almost powerless against them. Because, you know, ants are really... smart. (Triva: when this movie was released in Sweden, its translated title was "The Spiders". There are NO spiders in this movie. Just ants. HUGE ants.)
Quote:
THEM! THEM! THEEEEEM!


Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959): Yeah, it's cheap to include it here. It's always mentioned as the worst movie ever made. I'm not sure about that, but it's definitely one of the funniest. I mean, the gravestones that topple when people walk by... the flying saucers which are obviously hubcaps hung on wires... not to mention the dialogue.
Quote:
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
(And that's in the first 20 seconds of the movie! And he then goes on to say it has already happened!)


Human Highway (1982): Yes, it's Neil Young's bid for cinematic immortality! Now, granted, most movies by rock stars suck, but this is truly bizarre. The plot – where such can be detected – has something to do with gas stations and nuclear plants, and half the movie is a dream scene whose sole point is a version of "Hey Hey My My" performed by Devo... but seriously, Mark Mothersbaugh singing "Hey Hey My My" wearing a baby mask while sitting in a crib which later topples onto Neil Young in the middle of a guitar solo; these are the things that make me happy.
Quote:
The King is gone, but he's not a dud
This is the story of Johnny Spud


The Stuff (1985): I'll confess, I haven't watched this in... Christ... 20 years, maybe. I really need to see it again. But I mean... it's about a dessert that eats people from the inside. It's like Body Snatchers meets Dr Strangelove, only with ice cream instead of aliens or Russians. I really don't see how re-watching or not will make a lick of a difference; the mere idea is so gloriously bad that it HAS to be good.
Quote:
I will permit this colored man to speak. But speak one word ofthe Commie party, or one word in code, and I will blow his head off.


Maximum Overdrive (1986): It's about machines – chiefly trucks, but also ATMs and electrical knives - coming to life. It's directed by Stephen King, proving that whatever his shortcomings as a writer are, they're nothing compared to his shortcomings as a director. But it's got explosions, it's got Emilio Estevez running around thinking he's Charlton Heston, and it's got an original soundtrack by AC/DC. How fucking cool is that, I ask thee?
Quote:
This machine just called me an asshole.


Chopper Chicks In Zombietown (1991): Why yes, this is Troma flick, what gave it away? Was it the gang of female bikers in leather, led by the butchest lesbian you've ever seen, who come to a little town where a mad scientist and his midget are secretly working on raising the dead in an abandoned radioactive cave? Or is it that the bikers and the local priest have to band together with a schoolbus full of blind children armed with dynamite and machine guns to stop him? This is like a Cramps song come to glorious, washed-out 80s video colour. Oh, and Billy Bob Thornton is in it for about 10 seconds.
Quote:
- They're going to EAT you!
- Huh. Family, eh?


Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992): Yeah, I'm an unabashed fan of the TV series. The movie is everything some people think the series is; stupid, shallow and cheesy, with clunky dialogue, a thoroughly failed attempt at saying something Uplifting For Teens, and... shudder... Luke Perry. But still... how can you not love a movie in which it takes Pee-Wee Herman a full minute to die?
Quote:
Kill him A LOT!


Alien Resurrection (1997): OK, I'm cheating a bit here. I actually think this is a good movie, if not on par with its predecessors. It's a very different take on the Alien saga – as would be expected when Jean-Pierre Jeunet directs a Joss Whedon script – but as equal parts dark comedy and surreal thriller, it's pretty damn great... up until the last 10 minutes, where it seems to WANT to turn into a flaming wreck. If you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. The newborn. The Newborn. Worst. Ending. Ever. It's no wonder Jeunet stuck to romantic comedies after this.
Quote:
- Who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?
- I can get you off. Maybe not the boat...


Jason X (2001): Friday the 13th was a pretty good, as slasher movies go. Part II wasn't too bad either. Part III, at least, introduced the hockey mask. Then you can skip parts IV-IX and move straight on to X: it's JASON IN SPACE! Jason wakes up in the future as a cyborg, still with a hockey mask, and starts slaughtering spaceteens – some of which are robotic, but still get naked before they're chopped into little bits. If this movie got any stupider, the universe would collapse into itself.
Quote:
Guys, it's okay! He just wanted his machete back!


The Wicker Man (2006): Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. They took a seminal British horror movie, got rid of everything subversive and thoughtworthy in it (not to mention the nudity) and turned it into a mindless, misogynistic piece of Hollywood crap. Hated it. But the last half hour is possibly the most unintentionally funny half hour in movie history. I challenge anyone to not weep with laughter as Nic Cage dresses up in a bear suit and karate kicks middle-aged women while screaming "YOU BITCHES!" Oh, yeah, he's the hero of the piece.
Quote:
AAAAAAH! MY LEGS! MY LEGS!
So, what are yours?
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 0:40   #2
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

Okay, baby:

Mallrats. It's shit, everyone acknowledges it from the director on down, but... I used to like Kevin Smith and now his "films" only strike me as whiny and pretentious. Mallrats barely has pretentions towards being a film, and features a voice only out-whined by Jennifer Tilly's, but it also has a load of jokes that always make me laugh, it made Jason Lee a star and showed his daddy couldn't act even before Marvel started churning out movie tie-ins for all his good shit and gave him cameos. Plus The Most Romantic Wedding Location Ever.
Quote:
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you, you're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
Ladyhawke. For the music. Synth was never bettered. Somehow managed to land Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pheiffer amongst others and features Matthew Broderick talking direct to the audience just like he did in Ferris Bueller's Day Off a few years later, only this time his audience was God - honest. And, while I'm on a theme...

Hawk the Slayer. Brilliant. How do you make your elf fire arrows faster than the eye can see? Ask your editor to help, that's how. Jack Palance in his greatest non-City Slickers role as... Voltan. You know it's got to be good. (I can't remember any quotes it's been that long, and even IMDb doesn't have any. That must say something.)

Hell Comes To Frogtown. This is my "haven't seen it actually" contender, just in here for the title. And the premise: after the nukeler war Uncle Sam he need virile men to fertilise the few remaining attractive... I mean, fertile women left on the planet. Enter "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (or more properly and usefully the other way round) as Sam Hell, wearing a manchastity belt and a mean look on his face, I expect. Hit the link and check out the name and character-name of the first billed cast member. Ooh-yeah. Spawned two sequels, Frogtown II: Return To Frogtown and Toad Warrior: Frogtown III. Inspired.
Quote:
Hey, you try making love in a hostile, mutant environment, see how you like it.
The First Power. The only reason no-one accuses Lou Diamond Philips of being a serial killer is that he only kills serial killers - smart guy (and it gave me an idea for a novel I'll never write unless I become as successful as Thomas Harris). Unfortunately this one wants to be deaded and as soon as the gas chamber clears the shit hits the fan. Add a busty gingger with puh-sycic puh-howers, evil nuns, floating bag-ladies and a crucifix with a dagger in it and you've got a returned-from-the-dead classic.

Night of the Comet. God bless the Sci-Fi Channel - I'd completely forgotten about this golden turkey, egg-laying, ahhhh... where was I? Oh yes: two bimbos discover the rest of humanity has been reduced to a red dust, or transformed into zombies prior to the same, overnight (guess why). The only exception is Country & Western loving Cmmdr. Chakotay from Star Trek Voyager and the staff of an evil military hospital, who would all have been fine and dandy if they had remembered to shut down the ventilation system when the comet (oops, sorry) flew by and so are planning to drain the blood of the survivors to delay their inevitable dusty fate. Almost takes itself seriously at times, but not for long.

Prince of Darkness. Not John Carpenter's finest hour by any means, but back when I was a hard core pot-head this was the film that genuinely scared me. I still find some aspects of it deeply unsettling, even though most of it isn't too great. Alice Cooper for example. PoD samples went on to feature significantly in DJ Shadows outstanding album Endtroducing... and in MY opinion this is the one Carpenter film that deserves being remade. This could be a proper horror with a bit more time and money put into it.
Quote:
I've got a message for you and you're not going to like it. Pray for death.
Blind Fury. Whoa! Rutger Hauer stuns the crowd with a second brilliant strike! Most hilarious use of a still image in cinema history, as Hauer looks considerably more blind in his pre-blinding Viet Nam buddy photo than at any other time in the film. "You could see then," coos the mullet-headed, perpetually wailing brat he's charged with returning to the scary-bald-former-cripple from Lost. Not that the photo would stand up in court as evidence. This after it's mother, played by Meg Foster, the most blind-looking woman in screen history, is murdered - Rutger had a lot to contend with in this one. However there is some cracking swordplay and a few lines of dialogue I still employ to this day when under extreme stress. Now, I need two more contenders...
Quote:
Shit. Fuck. Shitfuck.
UHF. "Wierd" Al Yankovic's finest, er, hour-and-a-half, is about all you can say for this. Bits of it made me laugh until the sweat popped out when I was ,er, let's just say "younger", and it would probably still work even today at the ripe old, er. I bought it for my brother's 29th birthday and his face lit up in a way no gift I have ever given him has done before or since so at least I know I'm not alone.
Quote:
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.
Wedlock. Aaaaiiiiooouuuwwww! It's a Hat Trick! Rutger Hauer rubs the film industry's nose in it with his third of the afternoon, this time in a The Running Man knock off co-starring Mimi Rogers, Joan Chen and, oh, lots of other big stars. Rutger gets double-crossed by his jewel-thieves-in-crime but hides the loot and doesn't die. He winds up in explosive necklace prison infra-chained to Mimi, but is allowed to escape with her so the annoying insurance saleman from Groundhog Day can gets his mitts on the cash and really kick-start his incarceration franchise. Unlike Arnie, Rutger has the good taste to save the one liners until after his victim dies (Audience Not Included). Usually.

That was fun! Who's next?

Last edited by Noumenon; 14th Mar 2007 at 2:49. Reason: Lake Placid and Survive Style 5+ removed for being just too damn good!
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 7:29   #3
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

Can't agree that Ladyhawke is a bad film (although perhaps we just love bad films in our house). Philippe the Mouse is a hero of ours.

I'll come up my my list sometime soon, although, like the above, I'm aware my choices will include some of 'what other people think are bad but I think are good'.
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 12:10   #4
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

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Originally Posted by Colyngbourne View Post
Can't agree that Ladyhawke is a bad film ... although, like the above, I'm aware my choices will include some of 'what other people think are bad but I think are good'.
Exactly - all films I love (Frogtowne being the honourable "hopeful" inclusion). But I will watch it again this evening and judge it's worthiness as a candidate!

EDIT: Watched it. I stand by the inclusion - fun, but not a good film, really.

Last edited by Noumenon; 8th Mar 2007 at 20:36.
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 14:16   #5
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

I've gone for the films I like that most other people say are rubbish.


1. The Postman
Will Patton and Kev meet again; people dance, horses die and get eaten; there are too many trumpet-solos-of-American-spirit-and-nobility. But he gets that everyone just really wants to watch The Sound of Music in the end.

2. The Avengers
No frisson between Mrs Peel and Steed but lots of teddy-bears instead, and a fine pair of boots.

3. Newsies
Christian Bale and David Moscow singing and dancing their little hearts out, bless 'em.

4. Dr Who (1996)
Paul "Doesn't count" McGann (according to Russell T.) was a fantastic Dr in this. So the States funded it, and Americanised some of it; so Julia Robert's brother overplays the camp; and I only gave it the last watch, but I still enjoy it in a hate-it-but-love-it perverted way.

5. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Stuart Townsend makes up for a semi-witless Lestat and not playing Aragorn by being a great Dorian Gray. I haven't read the source material so just enjoy the adventure and the visuals.

6. The Saint
I *love* this; all the masks (unfairly, some of them not used because all the big money was going into Mission Impossible the same year); the Duran Duran song at the end; Tretiak's goons! The accents! The non-shutting door to his cottage... As sheer entertainment it goes up in my estimation every time I watch it.

7. The Bodyguard
Same again. Costner-fest, plus songs - what's not to like? Costner twidddling his fingers before playing chess with his dad - bliss!

8. Dead Again
Ken and Em. Only the OTT ending lets it down. I always forget the first bit with Andy Garcia.

9. Waterworld
It's gaining in reputation, this one, isn't it? Icthy-creature is a common epithet in the Col household. I mourned when I lost a Col's baby bonnet which resembled the one Enola wears near the end of the film. The Mariner is definitely the most attractive Costner (apart from his No-Way-Out marine whites).

10. Ladyhawke
Rutger Hauer in a cloak. Nuff said.
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 14:29   #6
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

Oooh, thanks for Dead Again, Col - I love it too.
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 16:18   #7
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

Does The Blob count as bad? I mean obviously it's thoroughly wonderful, but is it actually a bad film? It certainly has some rather ludicrous elements to it...
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 16:23   #8
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

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Originally Posted by Daveybot View Post
Does The Blob count as bad? I mean obviously it's thoroughly wonderful, but is it actually a bad film? It certainly has some rather ludicrous elements to it...
Depends on which Blob we're talking about, IMO. The original with Steve McQueen (which is bad, but great) or the 80s remake (which just stinks)?
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 16:26   #9
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

I'd've thought it might count as 'bad' for the purposes of these lists... I'm thinking we're looking at films that might be objectively be judged as bad (if only in some aspects), but for whatever reason (including that we don't actually believe they're bad) we really rather like them.

I think ridiculousness of plot is definitely a good reason to include a film in your list. Viz. Dead Again.
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Old 8th Mar 2007, 16:29   #10
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Default Re: Top Ten Favourite Bad Movies

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I think ridiculousness of plot is definitely a good reason to include a film in your list. Viz. Dead Again.
Number 11 on my list would have been Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I think it meets the "ridiculous plot" criterion, and it's a lot of fun... you'll never eat cotton candy again!
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