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Old 19th Feb 2008, 22:02   #31
BiNS
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Default Re: Worst self published books

I recently bought 'The Berlin Protocol' by Michael Berenti which I can safely say is the worst example of the printed word I have ever had the misfortune to pick up. It's so bad, so utterly bad, that I couldn't help smiling when thinking about it and almost forgave the author for at least having a go and committing his dream to print. I got the impression that maybe English wasn't his first language and he'd maybe translated it too literally?

But then I saw the 5 star Amazon reviews and wondered how a book containing paragraphs such as...
"They did not look like one's ordinary car thieves -with jeans, hoods and sneakers stuff. However, this was not an ordinary area, either; and it was not unheard that, in order to be able to steal quality cars in posh areas with the least of suspicion, the real pros could think of dressing up accordingly to the occasion."
...could justify a 5 star recommendation from anyone with the ability to read. So I looked a little deeper and found that this bilge is written by an investigative journalist with degrees in law and economics. Well, according to this it is. There are some extracts on there that save me from typing any more out.

Well OK, one more. A repair man with "a funny South London accent" has just replaced a broken window in a Porsche:
"Then, finally, he buffed the new window with a piece of cloth and arranged his belt around his beer belly.
'Yap gov'ner, it's been done', he said. 'It's been bet'har than new now, look how shiny it is.' "
My copy will be on its way to Amner in the morning, I'm sure he'll pass it on again if anyone wants to give it a look.

EDIT: Oh yes, this is unforgivable.

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Old 19th Feb 2008, 22:30   #32
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Default Re: Worst self published books

Classic stuff! Love the cover with the off-centre text.

He looks so normal though!

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Old 19th Feb 2008, 22:39   #33
bill
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Default Re: Worst self published books

Man, look at all those bullets stacked up like that. You can practically smell the crime and/or intrigue!

I have never once read a self-published book. Not once! I used to think my avoidance of these books was a reasonable way to live my life, but now I'm starting to think that I'm missing out.

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Old 19th Feb 2008, 23:17   #34
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Default Re: Worst self published books

I knew I knew that name (and, indeed, that book) from somewhere. I Quarantined a spam post about it, back in October, over on Book&Reader:

Quote:
Originally Posted by sanachan
hello everyone...

Michael Berenti is a new author and i'm reading his first book and I love it! I think it's important to appreciate new talent and proper books that are actually truly enjoyable to read rather than those books that have been hyped so much but are none other than well marketed plotless 'reads'.
his new book is THE BERLIN PROTOCOL and it's really good, its a spy thriller and reminds my of robert ludlum and len deighton style books.
its published by AMBbooks and theyre doing a promotion on ebay where you can buy the book before it hits the bookshelves (it's cheaper if you get it on ebay too), plus its a limited edition signed copy. it's a really good book and if you like spy thrillers and intriguiging plots and action then you'll love this (and for £1.49 it's well well worth it, plus it'll probably be worth a lot more in the future since its a collectable )
i hope you check it out and am interested in what people think of it and hope to discuss it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stewart
Quote:
Originally Posted by sanachan
its published by AMBbooks
Let me guess. The M & B in AMB books stands for Michael Berenti. And that A & B in the initials in your email address are also a clue to you being Michael Berenti, a hopeless self-publisher and someone who would seek to deceive others by pretending you are not the author in an (oh so never been done before) attempt to get people to buy your wares.
Classic Sean Wright mention of collectibility.
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Old 19th Feb 2008, 23:22   #35
bill
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Default Re: Worst self published books

What do the quotes around "reads" mean? And, to be fair, they will be collectible in the sense that very few will ever be printed.
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Old 19th Feb 2008, 23:24   #36
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Default Re: Worst self published books

No idea.

Loving the bit at the bottom of the website:

Quote:
SUBMISSIONS
Currently we are not seeking any submissions. However, you may wish to check this site from time to time as this policy may change in the future.
Of course you're not. You won't be accepting submissions until your next piece of crap is ready to be uploaded to Lulu.
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Old 19th Feb 2008, 23:49   #37
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Default Re: Worst self published books

But maybe he is accepting submissions. If this http://www.michaelberenti.com/home.htm is the same guy - and it very much looks like it (crappy, randomly placed rectangles site written on Microsoft FrontPage 6.0) - then he's set himself up as a literary agent too.

And it must be a legit agency because it's listed here: http://www.kraytek.com/literary_agents_-uk.htm

Tenacious isn't he?
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Old 19th Feb 2008, 23:55   #38
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Default Re: Worst self published books

Quote:
Originally Posted by JunkMonkey View Post
But maybe he is accepting submissions. If this http://www.michaelberenti.com/home.htm is the same guy - and it very much looks like it (crappy, randomly placed rectangles site written on Microsoft FrontPage 6.0) - then he's set himself up as a literary agent too.
Jeez. Apparently he has the address book of an agent. Perhaps he should give it back.

Love this bit though:

Quote:
Agency is particularly interested in material with high commercial viability and movie potential.

Not surprising at all. If you can't make it yourself, why not try and become rich on someone else's work?
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Old 20th Feb 2008, 0:17   #39
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Default Re: Worst self published books

Quote:
'Do you want another one?' asked the barmaid. When she reached for the empty glass, her bulging breasts revealed themselves up to the rims of her nipples. The low-cut tank top was already having a hard time to confine them in place even without such moves.

Quote:
He had started to think strait again. He tried to remember what exactly he had told her there, while his mind had been occupied with her bulging breasts. He had not told her that he was German. He was absolutely sure of that. But, somehow, his name had slipped through his lips. He shrugged; well, no harm had been done. It was just a name, after all. Who knows how many more Erics were around?
Genius!

Quote:
It had been nearly an hour now that they had been driving towards the opposite direction of Munich. He had no idea of where they were going.

I need to read this book.
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Old 20th Feb 2008, 1:21   #40
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Default Re: Worst self published books

I love it. I imagine it narrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger:

"It had been nearly an hour now that they had been driving towards the opposite direction of Munich. He had no idea of where they were going."

Or perhaps by Albert Brooks imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger - like he did in "Broadcast News": (from memory) . . . "I am earning now eight million dollars per moovie. But I am the saame person I was ven I was earning fife million dollars per moovie. I'll meet you in the lobbies."
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