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Old 25th Apr 2006, 15:55   #11
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

Dear Parishioner,

It has come to our attention that you have recently read a book entitled The da Vinci Code.

Pursuant to our policy of total concealment in matters relating to Our Lord's private affairs, you have been assigned a date (26 April 2006) for the start of Questioning, which will take place in the crypt of St Matthew, Jubilee Terrace, and will be conducted by Jim (Torquemada) Young, assisted by myself.

In any event, you should inform anyone expecting to attend your public flogging and burning at the stake that due to recent extensions in the List of Questions, the auto da fé in Market Street is unlikely to take place before June 11.

It is important to note that, should you repent, you will be garrotted before burning, as a mercy.

Regards and God Bless.
David Lamb (Vicar)
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Old 25th Apr 2006, 18:04   #12
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

This letter is no less imagined than the previous ones, but it's one I possibly should have written. Once upon a time the DVLA at Swansea sent me a driving licence with the wrong house number on it, a house about ten doors down the road. Of course I couldn't be bothered to correct it and kept it on me... I mean, what's the harm in that?

A few years later I was, believe it or not, reporting on the a neo-Nazi music festival at the Aryan Nations compound in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Even less credibly, I was undercover. It's amazing how far a pair of Doc Marten boots and an English accent will get you. Anyway, being a lifelong coward, I wandered around among the people there, some wearing Brownshirt uniforms, some just tattooed thugs with guns and knives, hoping to god no one would challenge me.

Which of course they did. Despite the fact this gathering was taking place the weekend after the Oklahoma bombing which everyone there thought was "great", the local authorities took a pretty relaxed attitude towards it, stationing only a single policeman outside the site. Inside the camp it was a different matter, however. The site secruity - who wore swastika armbands in case anyone failed to realise they were master race - were checking on everybody there and asked to see my identification. I had my passport, but at the time it had loads of stamps in which would have given me away as a journalist. So instead I pulled out my UK driver's licence. The one with the wrong address. I thought that was a masterstroke until, frowning, they carefully copied down all the details and let me go to join in the rest of that evening's festivities (a KKK cross burning accompanied by a rather chorus of the Horst Wessel song which proved that Nazis don't know the words to their songs any better than C of E churchgoers.)

Back in London, I wrote my article. It wasn't very favourable towards them, obviously.

Of course my dilemma was, should I write a gil-like letter to my near-neighbours?

Dear Occupiers.

You don't know me but I inadvertently gave your address to neo-Nazis in America who have links with the UDA and the BNP. Now they think you spied on them and wrote an article saying what a nasty bunch they were.


Yours etc.
I thought it best not to worry them.

Last edited by wshaw; 25th Apr 2006 at 19:02.
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Old 1st May 2008, 13:52   #13
John Self
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

Just enjoyed rereading these. Any more takers?
Reading Vasily Grossman, Life and Fate | Asylum | Book List
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Old 3rd May 2008, 15:37   #14
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

Memo: Nurse Rach├ęte
Re: Mr. Dithers

Have reviewed his chart again. Advise patient that his foot and his mouth are inextricably fixated in a chronic, ergonomic, pathologic, and terminal misalignment, derived hereditarily, disallowing for the distinction of his arse from any number of holes in the ground.

Provide patient education, verbal and written instructions, demonstration, and support. Returning 12/Nev/12 and will expect a complete update at this point.

H.H.Waikiki, MD, FASC, AMA, Board Certified
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Old 24th Jun 2008, 22:51   #15
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

Dear Ms Plukker,

we must inform you that last year's biopsy results of your breast tissue seems to have been mixed up with another patient's.
May we ask you to urgently make an appointment to take out further tissue since last year's results showed up positive (but in the other patients name).

We apologize for any inconvenience.
No books, but technical reading, I'm afraid:
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Old 25th Jun 2008, 9:07   #16
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

dear neighbuor

your hair looks so nice as you comb it before sleep

and i like watchnig it and watchnig you with it too

i hope you stay together for ever i'd be so happy

so say hello to me tommorow next time i would

because the things we cherish should want to be

i use the crayon to show how much i love you

with all my deep feelnigs

a freind
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Old 18th Jul 2008, 19:56   #17
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Default Re: Postcards from Hell

Dear Mun and Dad Rio de janiero


I hope you are both well and that Dad runing for Texas senatorship is going smoothly,he has work sooo hard for it.Mun i saw the program on TV with your Book-Decent Mothers for decent kids-you were just great.

OK i brake the news...I was not in Oxford the last 6 months,but here in Brazil.I never really felt like a boy so i toke the big jump....clip clip...and jack has become a daughter Jackeline.I know it going to be a chock and it will be a while before you come terme with it.I 'll alway's be your little "Girls"

big big kisses xxxx


PS:Dad this guy was at the clinic and toke some photo's and stuff,i think he was a journalist,I hope it won't be a probleme
my painting

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