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Old 24th Sep 2009, 15:05   #1
amner
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Default Gamer

It was inevitable, I guess. A bit like the infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters eventually producing the complete works of Shakespeare (in between furious bouts of wanking, presumably), I suppose that eventually we had to encounter a movie that was 100% comprised of bits from other films.

And I don't just mean steals and homages and eyebrow-raising similarities strung out along the way. No, I mean, frame by frame copies, a sort of reverse scatter gun approach where all the other movies made up until this point, pepper images into a big vat of celluloid gloop and out comes a fully formed film. That movie is Gamer, and it is the most graphic view of how we will all go to Hell since Pieter Brueghel wondered, "hmm, let's paint something with a bit more oomph today".

In a dystopian futu-...

*bump*

*crack*

Kkkkzkkxk...kkkk...Zzxxxz...bbr...brrr

Brrr

*click*

Operator: What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: Yes hello? I need an ambulance as soon as possible, please.
Operator: OK sir, what's your address?
Caller: Palimpsest
Operator: Is that the Internet?
Caller: er, yes. A small part of it.
Operator: OK sir, and what's the problem?
Caller: We have a gentleman here that needs help. He's not functioning and we're trying to talk to him, but he's not ...
Operator: He's not...?
Caller: He's just ranting, rambling. Incoherent stuff.
Operator: OK, OK. Is he unconscious? Breathing?
Caller: He's...he's...[noises off, screaming]
Operator: Is that him?
Caller: He...just keeps shouting.
Operator: Alright, is he on the floor, where's he at right now?
Caller: He's by the PC, hitting the keys with his fists.
Operator: OK let's get him on the floor.
Caller: OK...Ah...no. That's not gonna happen...[the word 'terminator' is clearly heard]
Operator: We need to get him down to the floor. We're on our way there, we're on our way but I'm going to do as much as I can to help you over the phone. We're already on our way.
Caller: Oh god, he's...standing now.
Operator: Is he attacking you, sir?
Caller: No, he's heading towards the shelf.
Operator: The...?
Caller: Shelf, the shelf with all his DVDs on it...no! Yes! He's attacking me!
Operator: Is he attacking you, sir?
Caller: Yes, he's throwing the DVDs at me.
Operator: Oh god
Caller: Running Man...Clockwork Or-...ah!...Logan's Run...he...
Operator: Sir?
Caller: Some Japanese stuff...[a scream]...sorry! Sorry! Korean! Korean!
Operator: Jesus.
Caller: Sin City...now...what? Xbox games...Call O-...Aaarrgh!
Operator: Sir?

Operator: Sir?

kkbb..brrkk...reeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Operator: Sir?

Operator: Sir!
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Old 24th Sep 2009, 15:45   #2
bill
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Default Re: Gamer

Oh my God... What do we do now?
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Old 24th Sep 2009, 15:57   #3
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Default Re: Gamer

My guess is stay away from Gamer.



Though i'm confuse,he did not give stars or shit...but i'm pretty sure he meant it was not good.
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Old 24th Sep 2009, 16:27   #4
bill
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Yeah, but apparently amner has contracted the rage virus, which has already devestated Europe twice, by my count. Should somebody contact WHO, or...
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Old 26th Feb 2010, 14:57   #5
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Gamer (d. Neveldine/Taylor) - Well, it's happened. We now live in a world where you can watch a new film and not see the influence of Hitchcock, or Ford, or Welles, or Chaplin, but rather of Tony Scott. And not the Tony Scott of Crimson Tide, but the guy who made Domino and slapped those motherfucking English subtitles of lines already spoken in English by American actors all over Man on Fire. And all in service of what? A remake of The Running Man. And it's worse than the original.
.
Take me, Lord. I'm ready. I cannot breathe air with the same people who allowed Gamer to be made. With the two unconscionable bastards who made it, and who joined their last names with a meaningless backslash, Face/Off style, creating in my mind the Hellish image of a bi-headed, quadri-limbed Nether-God, who would thunder its heavy legs across the planet, leaving blasted cities and fallow land in its wake as it tossed back its slavering heads and shrieked its murderous laughter into the cosmos. Such a world is more than my feeble mind can accredit.
.
Day 37
.
I awake in the middle of the night. A ghastly storm is assaulting my home, throwing back my shuttered windows, the latches all tinfoil and twine to these blustery and soaking hands! The window....the window is open, and inviting.
.
Day 38
.
The television flickers on, unbidden by my hand or mind. Gamer is on. Michael C. Hall is dancing to "I've Got You Under My Skin" while his henchmen, in time to the music, prepare to attack Gerard Butler.
.
The open, flapping window is streaked with the chilled rains. As flaps the window, so flaps the pages of Al-Hazred's Necronomicon. A book I had destroyed. I know I did. I set it alight and flung its blazing, ashy pages into the sea's gaping throat!! How can it be here now!? And now that kid who plays Butler's controller is on the screen again...as through the window I hear the bleating of the dread Neveldine/Taylor rolling over the distant hills...
.
The window! The window!!
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Old 26th Feb 2010, 15:00   #6
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Default Re: Gamer

Hahaha, you loved it as much as me, huh?
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Old 26th Feb 2010, 15:02   #7
bill
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Even more!
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Old 26th Feb 2010, 15:12   #8
ono no komachi
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Default Re: Gamer

I love the tags for this thread!
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