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Old 17th Sep 2006, 14:52   #1
Noumenon
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Default CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

Creep is one of those films where, just as the end comes into view and you're about to heave a sigh of relief, you realise what inspired the whole film and your sigh becomes a groan instead. And you thought you were all groaned up by this point.

The Nutshell: No, not "writer"/"director" Christopher Smith, who I was surprised to learn from iMDB had written three episodes of weekly horror Eastenders, but less so to find at the helm of recent UK slasher Severence (which I haven't seen and may well give a miss) - I refer instead to the... giggle... Plot. Spoilers to follow, or Time Savers as I will be thinking of them.

Franke "Best Thing In It" Potente is a vaguely sluttish office bod with a rapidly collapsing plan to shag George "He's Not In It" Clooney, until the failings of the British Public Transport system land her on an apparently deserted subway carriage. Except it isn't - her coke snorting office-party-rapist coworker is along for the ride, but she is spared further distress (further to appearing in this film) when an unseen, rat accompanied mystery figure drags the naughty boy away for a rather ineffectual carving up - the would-be romancer manages to cling to life for another half hour or so of screen time. Speaking of which, the second best thing in Creep is the 81st minute - when it ends, nice and soon.

But not soon enough. First, Franke manages to pull a handful of psycho-bait bystanders into the frey, all of whom pop their clogs to the accompaniment of blood spraying hither and yon as she stumbles ever closer to a confrontation with... the blue-white skinned killer subway mutant, of course - who else would it be? It's obvious, really. After, I assume, years of lonely seclusion in the Surgical Unit that adjoins the subway, near the corridor of filing cabinets and the submerged lobster cages - yes, near them - with only the preserved and bottled bodies of his little mutant siblings and a photo of his doctor/daddy for company, killer mutant has been itching for someone to try out his scalpel-work on.

Oh. Did I say scalpel? I meant "autopsy saw". Possibly; it might have been a sickle. It didn't look appropriate to a gynaecological examination, anyway. The one laugh to be had in this whole mess was watching killer mutant prepare for surgery, one which as you might guess died in the throat soon after. This was basically an unsympathetic, needlessly grim piece of crap from start to finish. Ah... the finish. In the words of Simon Pegg, I'll skip to the end.

After the final throat has been ripped out and Franke has stumbled back to the subway station, she slumps down against the wall. Her once chic (maybe, I don't know girl stuff) outfit is now grimy and torn, she looks almost... trampish, homelesslike, beggardly... and the arrival of a now dead homeless couple's wickle dog upon her lap completes the illusion. The sigh becomes a groan. The first early morning commuters appear - groan - and one, quite close, pats his pockets then deposits some change beside her - groan - and now Franke sees the awful irony of her earlier callousness towards real beggers when she is treated with greater kindness than she offered them, blah blah blah.

But the real GROAN is reserved for the obviously rendered chain of "thought" which led Mr. Christopher Smith to conceiving this film from the act of seeing a moderately attractive homeless person on a subway platform one day and throwing coins at her eyes whilst laughing - that maybe she was a real person, a victim of horror, rather than merely a feckless slacker with nowhere to live. Libelous, I'm sure.

In the final image, Franke stops laughing at her change-related irony and turns slowly to look directly into camera. Maybe, in the auteur's mind, the dead look in her eyes is meant to reflect the empty need of the homeless everywhere. But I thought it was more a window on Franke-the-actress' inner-monologue. "I'm better than this. Why should I put up with it?" Which is probably Christopher Smith's opinion of the homeless situation too.
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Old 17th Sep 2006, 20:05   #2
John Self
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Default Re: CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

Excellent stuff, Noumenon - the review I mean, not the film. I hope you continue to see films you hate...
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Old 18th Sep 2006, 0:58   #3
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Default Re: CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

Funny you should say that, I watched Aeon Flux yesterday... keep 'em peeled.
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Old 18th Sep 2006, 11:22   #4
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Default Re: CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

Excellent, I will not watch this film! Thanks Noumenon!
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Old 18th Sep 2006, 13:21   #5
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Default Re: CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

I watched it a while back, and I can only agree with every single word in Noumenon's review. Dumb, boring, crap.

For a much better (literary) treatment of the same plot, check out Clive Barker's short story "The Midnight Meat Train".
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Old 19th Sep 2006, 17:09   #6
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Default Re: CREEP - "Your Journey Terminates Here"

Thanks for the kind words, but I may have just undone my good work by running of at the mouth - keyboard - about Aeon Flux. I think I need an editor.
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