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Old 19th Oct 2004, 15:26   #16
John Self
suffers from smallness of vision
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Join Date: 27 Jun 2003
Location: Belfast
Posts: 15,939

For cheap sub-Onion laughs you could do worse than The Portadown News, an NI version of the ubiquitous satirical online newspaper phenomenon.

Some items may be too parochial for widespread appreciation but a lot of the stuff (in the early sections of the archive particularly, when the stories were more than one-paragraph single jokes) could be about any small town across the country, with their chavs and creepies:

Corcrain girl forgets to swear

13-year-old Corcrain resident Tanya Slapper remains in social limbo today after accidentally having an entire conversation without saying "fuck".

The incident occurred yesterday outside West End Video, while the youngster was discussing an article in popular teen mag "Just 17 Stone" with schoolfriends Jemma Frump (12), Kylie McFatt (14) and Leslie Minger (11). "We were looking at 'Position of the Fortnight'," explained Ms Frump to our reporter, "and Tanya goes 'I don't think I'd go for that, it's better if you can see his face when he comes'. Then she goes 'Anyway you don't have to do it every fortnight. My ma says that's just for tarts.'"

Stunned by this lack of profanity, Tanya's friends openly questioned her state of mind. "I goes, 'Who the fuck do you fucking think you are, you fucking stuck up fucking cow," explained Ms McFatt. "Think you're too fucking good for us, do you? Fuck you."
More shit jobs on the way!

There was good news on the employment front yesterday as English DIY chain Widget Warehouse announced it will be opening a new superstore in Central Craigavon. The development will bring 120 useless minimum-wage jobs to the area, offering local teenagers the chance to earn £3.20 an hour with no benefits, security, prospects or job satisfaction.

"We're aiming for the sort of teenager who's already quit McDonalds but still needs a few weeks work to pay off his mobile phone bill," explained Widget Warehouse Personnel Director Ivana Himmler yesterday. "The work will involve standing about in small groups talking about sex while giving customers dirty looks. No previous experience is necessary."

Widget Warehouse is also encouraging applications from mentally-retarded adults, former paramilitary prisoners, and anyone who's really getting stick from the dole.
I also liked this piece from this week about Century Farm, a pisspoor local variant on The 1900 House, where a family has to live and work on a farm in 1904-stylee:

This week: John is alarmed to learn that Japan has invaded Russia, Connor voices support for Theodore Roosevelt in the US Presidential Election, Fionnuala welcomes the invention of the electrifying diode, and Marie celebrates the birth of famous novelist Graham Greene, starting a causality paradox that threatens to unravel the fabric of space-time.
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