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John Self 2nd Sep 2004 15:47

The Wonderful World of the Web
 
A thread to post specific titbits that amuse or intrigue from the net, not specifically related to books, films, music, etc. To start with, this from Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency:

Quote:

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone.

BY MICHAEL WARD

- - - -

MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com

MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com

Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com

AAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com

One1TheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSp...@hotma il.com

amner 2nd Sep 2004 16:23

Email Address of the Year anyone?

Before Wavid pipes up, yes, we know the winner from 2000.

redredrose 2nd Sep 2004 16:24

Very funny

ono no komachi 16th Sep 2004 9:25

There are no words for this:

http://www.strindbergandhelium.com

amner 16th Sep 2004 10:55

Still a big fan of the subservient chicken, myself, but that Strindberg thing is wild, agreed.

Digger 16th Sep 2004 15:41

The Postmodernist Essay Generator:
http://www.elsewhere.org/cgi-bin/postmodern
I do not understand these essays - but thats ok, because you're not supposed to! :D

and:

The Surrealist Compliment Generator:
http://www.madsci.org/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/~lynn/jardin/SCG
Just refresh the page to bring up a new compliment. :shock:

I love these!

John Self 15th Oct 2004 16:14

Lowbrow but funny:

Unfortunately named authors

amner 15th Oct 2004 16:18

Quote:

A list by b3ta
No relation to our very own b3rtymark??

John Self 15th Oct 2004 16:26

I don't think so. I think b3ta is some group that is behind a lot of the 'hilarious' doctored pics and animations that we all love so much to get in our inboxes in work all the frigging time.

amner 15th Oct 2004 16:38

Oh, them.

Colyngbourne 17th Oct 2004 17:41

Given a link to this today - paste a snippet of your writing and this thingie will tell you if you (the writer) is male or female

Gender tester of author

I turned out to be mostly male :? Should I be worried? Or is it skill :? at writing in the male character?

John Self 17th Oct 2004 18:27

It got me right, but the science seems distinctly dodgy. It does it all based on a few dozen 'keywords' each of which it defines as either male or female. So "the" and "a" are male, but "was" and "and" are female. According to the statistics, out of a quarter of a million samples, it has got it right 62% of the time and wrong 38% of the time - not very impressive really since it has a 50/50 chance if it just plucked a sex at random.

youjustmightlikeit 18th Oct 2004 11:15

Unfortunately named authors - Excellent, thanks John, gave my shift a good chuckle.

wshaw 18th Oct 2004 11:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by John Self
It got me right, but the science seems distinctly dodgy. It does it all based on a few dozen 'keywords' each of which it defines as either male or female. So "the" and "a" are male, but "was" and "and" are female. According to the statistics, out of a quarter of a million samples, it has got it right 62% of the time and wrong 38% of the time - not very impressive really since it has a 50/50 chance if it just plucked a sex at random.

Got me right too, for non-fiction and fiction. Which I was a little depressed about.

I would have thought that the 62/38% split is, as they say, statistically significant though...

bakunin_the_cat 18th Oct 2004 11:36

I came out blokey which is okey (!) but you don't really need a couple of pseudo-boffins creating some gender guessing algorithm to tell. Especially as I put in that Last Train SF short. Female SF writers aren't exactly ten a penny, and the style of my thing does nothing to make someone think this is a woman writing.

That said, I know from personal experience (Sorry Lucoid, wherever you are, hope you've forgiven me! :oops: ) it's not always as easy as you think.

John Self 19th Oct 2004 15:26

For cheap sub-Onion laughs you could do worse than The Portadown News, an NI version of the ubiquitous satirical online newspaper phenomenon.

Some items may be too parochial for widespread appreciation but a lot of the stuff (in the early sections of the archive particularly, when the stories were more than one-paragraph single jokes) could be about any small town across the country, with their chavs and creepies:

Quote:

Corcrain girl forgets to swear

13-year-old Corcrain resident Tanya Slapper remains in social limbo today after accidentally having an entire conversation without saying "fuck".

The incident occurred yesterday outside West End Video, while the youngster was discussing an article in popular teen mag "Just 17 Stone" with schoolfriends Jemma Frump (12), Kylie McFatt (14) and Leslie Minger (11). "We were looking at 'Position of the Fortnight'," explained Ms Frump to our reporter, "and Tanya goes 'I don't think I'd go for that, it's better if you can see his face when he comes'. Then she goes 'Anyway you don't have to do it every fortnight. My ma says that's just for tarts.'"

Stunned by this lack of profanity, Tanya's friends openly questioned her state of mind. "I goes, 'Who the fuck do you fucking think you are, you fucking stuck up fucking cow," explained Ms McFatt. "Think you're too fucking good for us, do you? Fuck you."
Quote:

More shit jobs on the way!

There was good news on the employment front yesterday as English DIY chain Widget Warehouse announced it will be opening a new superstore in Central Craigavon. The development will bring 120 useless minimum-wage jobs to the area, offering local teenagers the chance to earn £3.20 an hour with no benefits, security, prospects or job satisfaction.

"We're aiming for the sort of teenager who's already quit McDonalds but still needs a few weeks work to pay off his mobile phone bill," explained Widget Warehouse Personnel Director Ivana Himmler yesterday. "The work will involve standing about in small groups talking about sex while giving customers dirty looks. No previous experience is necessary."

Widget Warehouse is also encouraging applications from mentally-retarded adults, former paramilitary prisoners, and anyone who's really getting stick from the dole.
I also liked this piece from this week about Century Farm, a pisspoor local variant on The 1900 House, where a family has to live and work on a farm in 1904-stylee:

Quote:

This week: John is alarmed to learn that Japan has invaded Russia, Connor voices support for Theodore Roosevelt in the US Presidential Election, Fionnuala welcomes the invention of the electrifying diode, and Marie celebrates the birth of famous novelist Graham Greene, starting a causality paradox that threatens to unravel the fabric of space-time.

amner 19th Oct 2004 15:32

Quote:

Corcrain girl forgets to swear

13-year-old Corcrain resident Tanya Slapper remains in social limbo today after accidentally having an entire conversation without saying "fuck".

The incident occurred yesterday outside West End Video, while the youngster was discussing an article in popular teen mag "Just 17 Stone" with schoolfriends Jemma Frump (12), Kylie McFatt (14) and Leslie Minger (11). "We were looking at 'Position of the Fortnight'," explained Ms Frump to our reporter, "and Tanya goes 'I don't think I'd go for that, it's better if you can see his face when he comes'. Then she goes 'Anyway you don't have to do it every fortnight. My ma says that's just for tarts.'"

Stunned by this lack of profanity, Tanya's friends openly questioned her state of mind. "I goes, 'Who the fuck do you fucking think you are, you fucking stuck up fucking cow," explained Ms McFatt. "Think you're too fucking good for us, do you? Fuck you."
...which reminds me (inna Vicky Pollard stylee) that the brand new series of Little Britain is on BBC3 tonight.

Quote:

This week: John is alarmed to learn that Japan has invaded Russia, Connor voices support for Theodore Roosevelt in the US Presidential Election, Fionnuala welcomes the invention of the electrifying diode, and Marie celebrates the birth of famous novelist Graham Greene, starting a causality paradox that threatens to unravel the fabric of space-time.
I laughed out loud at that one, very good.

amner 21st Oct 2004 16:48

The BOfH archives, for old net-heads everywhere.
.

amner 22nd Oct 2004 11:21

Rainbow
 
Some classic Rainbow. You'll need sound.

Colyngbourne 22nd Oct 2004 13:37

Re: Rainbow
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by amner
Some classic Rainbow. You'll need sound.

Cunning, indeed :wink:

John Self 6th Nov 2004 17:54

More from McSweeney's.

Quote:

ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM RADIO COMMERCIALS THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED TO DELIVER "BELIEVABLY"

BY BRIAN SACK

- - - -

Just a minute, honey! I'm downstairs installing a new Filtrete Air Filter.

Mmmmmhhh. What happened to those sandpaper feet? They're so soft now. Went to the podiatrist, eh?

Thomas, my friend, the meat gods have known their will.

They're a credit union, Walter, a credit union offering an honest 3.9 percent car loan in a shifty 0 percent world.

Well, Publix salmon has a mild and pleasant flavor. And they trim the skin off in the store, so you don't have to do it yourself.

You know, that's hundred-percent-guaranteed gas you're putting in your car there.

Boy, I'd love a chocolate-glazed Munchkin from Dunkin' Donuts.

Less fat in your food means fewer calories in you!

Golf shop! Hee haw! Go golf shop! Woo Hoo!

I want to relax by the pool with someone I love.

Ohhh, baby, this new Dannon La Creme Mousse takes indulgence to a whole new level. Mmmm...

Yes, I do believe someone is slicing juicy, very tender roast beef at this very moment.

If I have to go around the world to make sure our customers get the taste they expect when they buy our cheese, I'm ready.

There's a new laxative on the horizon.

amner 11th Nov 2004 14:34

Why computer games should stay should stay in the computer. Click a pic and then use the Next/Previous arrows...

Some of these are plain hilarious, Mistress Betty is just a real worry.

John Self 11th Nov 2004 14:44

Yes, or how about Nollan Voyd, aka Man in Suit.

Some aren't bad, though: Diva 7 is pretty damn close to the unreal thing.

wshaw 11th Nov 2004 14:50

Small Goat really shouldn't have bothered.

amner 11th Nov 2004 14:57

I am informed that Avonlea is a bloke.

amner 12th Nov 2004 10:52

Baywatch. In Birmingham.

You need sound.

John Self 15th Nov 2004 22:53

The trouble with the web is that there's too much of it. Even when sites are no longer any use, they hang about and clutter up the electronic ether. So when I happened tonight upon an old music discussion site I had run and which has long been stagnant, I conscientiously deleted it. I mention this only as a preface to reproducing the welcome message for the site, which quite amused me even now:

Quote:

xxxxxxxxxxxxx celebrates its 25th birthday this week!

Founded as a response to the Silver Jubilee celebrations, we have been on the cutting edge of the medium since then. In our very first month, indeed, we were instrumental in ensuring that sales of the Sex Pistols' God Save the Queen would be disregarded for Gallup chart purposes, a result which safely installed Rod Stewart's seminal Sailing in the number one slot instead. We are still working on the private prosecution of Glen Matlock for treason. There's no statute of limitations for betraying your country, Glen!

Join now and look back on all those memorable debates:

June 1981: Woman and Superman: Nietzschean determinism meets burn-your-skirts feminism in Bucks Fizz's The Land of Make Believe
September 1985: Abba look out! Here comes Falco!
August 1988: London Boys vs. Milli Vanilli: Who's the Hunkiest?
April 1995: A Flash in the Britpan: Why Blur are the new Falco: A Personal View
December 1998: Saviour's Day by Cliff Richard: tablature for guitar and keyboard
January 2002: Mr Rolf Harris: An Apology

So join now and be a part of the oldest and most intelligent music community on the web!

wshaw 23rd Nov 2004 20:18

I suspect internet gambling sites are making too much money.

bakunin_the_cat 23rd Nov 2004 21:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by wshaw
I suspect internet gambling sites are making too much money.

yeah you could say that. Mind you, it did have something of the Madonna about it. Reminds me of the old black and white Eastenders titles which had a passable Mona Lisa somewhere around the Isle of Dogs. Unfortunately when they added colour she disappeared, so if you haven't seen it, you probably never will.

Wavid 24th Nov 2004 11:40

Amazon have started their own search engine, called A9.

It's pretty useful, as buttons on the right hand side show different search information, searching the web, image searches, amazon itself and also IMDB, which is pretty neat.

It also allows you to sign in and keep your search histories, which could be useful or dangerous, depending on your proclivities.

rick green 28th Nov 2004 5:06

Webcomix are cool. :D

Wavid 29th Nov 2004 15:55

This is rather whizz, a program that trawls for the top 100 news postings and the top 100 news words every hours, presenting them in a 10x10 table of pictures.

Ten by Ten.

Pretty interesting.

Wavid 30th Nov 2004 18:11

100 Scientific Things to do Before you Die.

wshaw 30th Nov 2004 21:00

Quote:

More complicated options include joining the 300 Club at the South Pole (they take a sauna to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, then run naked to the pole in minus 100 F) or learning Choctaw, a language with two past tenses - one for giving information which is definitely true, the other for passing on material taken without checking from someone else.
That's fantastic. English should be abolished and we should all learn Choctaw and then journalism can become an honourable profession again.

Colyngbourne 15th Dec 2004 12:30

I know there are lots of these - but here's a seasonal short:

It's a Wonderful Life - by bunnies

Wavid 15th Dec 2004 14:08

From http://www.guardian.co.uk/online

Quote:

Top libraries to go online in deal with Google

Bobbie Johnson
Wednesday December 15, 2004
The Guardian


Students take note - endless journeys to the library could become a thing of the past thanks to a new multimillion-pound scheme to make classic texts available at the click of a mouse.
Under a deal announced yesterday between the internet search engine Google and five of the world's top libraries, some of the globe's greatest literary treasures will soon be freely available for all to read on the world wide web.

Oxford University's world-renowned Bodleian Library will initially make an estimated 1m books from its 19th-century collection available to Google, while Stanford University and the University of Michigan in the US will be contributing their libraries of a combined 15m titles. Also taking part in the scheme on a test basis are Harvard University and the New York Public Library.

The project will involve scanning millions of titles - many of them rare and delicate - and making the text available on the internet via Google searches. It is a process which experts have predicted could take as long as 10 years.

"This project won't necessarily have an end date," said Fabio Selmoni, the managing director of Google's European advertising sales and operations. "As far as Google is concerned, it's very exciting to move into a non-digitised area and bring it to people all around the world. We're working very closely with libraries and publishers to make as much information available as possible."

The deal fits with Google's wide-reaching ambitions to drive as much information as possible on to the internet. Although there have been setbacks along the way - Downing Street this week jettisoned its 2006 e-government target, for example - many remain confident that the future for all data, new and old, lies on the web.

Bullish predictions from search companies indicate that it is not a case of if data will hit the internet, but when. "We have the audacity to believe that one day we will be able to provide all the world's information online," Mr Selmoni boasted.

The California-based search giant hopes to get a head start on its competitors by integrating the library information into its own database, while the libraries involved will benefit from having their collections brought into the digital age. The Bodleian could eventually see its entire collection of 8m titles transferred into searchable digital formats.

Although many out-of-copyright titles are already available for free on the web, Google hopes users will take the opportunity to search across collections and look at titles previously only available on library shelves.

"The Bodleian Library's 19th-century collections, which include many out-of-print titles which would otherwise be incredibly hard to find, will be scanned as part of the Google Print Programme," said Reg Carr, the director of Oxford University Library Services. "We hope that Oxford's contribution to this project will be of scholarly use, as well as general interest, to people around the world."

The scheme could revolutionise academic life by putting information at the fingertips of readers instead of being filed away in musty library catalogues. Students, scholars and amateur enthusiasts alike will be able to look at books which were previously out of reach - including works by Charles Darwin, Edgar Allen Poe and Charles Babbage - simply by connecting to the internet.

"At the moment you can come and look at these texts if you have a bona fide scholastic interest," said Nicky Old, a spokeswoman for Oxford University. "Now you will be able to do it from the comfort of your home or office. And the benefit of being on the internet is that it's not just accessible, but searchable as well."

Neither Google nor the libraries would reveal any financial details of the project, but the search giant's well-publicised flotation this year raised more than $1bn - capital that could easily be injected into a programme which some are estimating will cost at least $150m.

Google's attempt to become a library on the web is not the first of its kind, but it is by far the most ambitious. Project Gutenberg already publishes the texts of books which are out of copyright, while the British Library is part of a £2m scheme allowing readers to view copyright-sensitive material electronically. Google and the online retailer Amazon, meanwhile, have made deals with publishers such as HarperCollins and Penguin to make newer, copyright-sensitive titles available.

"We're not just intending to focus on books that are out of print," Mr Selmoni said.

"We are also hoping publishers will realise the benefits of putting their existing catalogues online."


Books that could find their way into Google:

The Descent of Man - Charles Darwin

The Bodleian Library has an extensive collection of Darwin material, including his 1871 work The Descent of Man - a follow-up to the controversial The Origin of Species

Goblin Market and Other Poems - Christina Rossetti

Oxford has an original edition of Goblin Market, the first major success for the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, of which Rossetti was a member. Her most well-known work was praised by reviewers for heralding a new voice and original talent when it was published in 1862

On the Economy of Machinery and Manufacturers - Charles Babbage

Babbage is better known as the godfather of computing, but this 1832 rarity was his first exploration of management theory. His passion was calculating machinery and he was well aware of the commercial possibilities of such a machine, and gives a description of cost accounting in this book

The Principia: Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy - Isaac Newton

Stanford has a first edition of Newton's 1687 work, in which he laid out the principles of time, force and motion that have guided modern physics

The Whetstone of Witte - Robert Record

The University of Michigan has a rare copy of Record's bizarre mathematical manual - the first publication to use the equals sign because, in the author's words, "noe .2. thynges, can be moare equalle"

amner 16th Dec 2004 11:18

...and following on from the stuffed still-born foal on ebay...

HP 16th Dec 2004 11:42

Click on Amner's link above and go to 'Pickled Pets' on the menu. What nicer than a jar of skinned squirrel tails - or a bull's dissected testicle? Too ho-hum? Try a skinned kitten.

I worry, I really do .......

Wavid 22nd Dec 2004 10:35

Got this on an email this morning, was rather entertained by it:

Quote:

MAKERS OF CRACK ISSUE SAFETY WARNING

Could Cause Users to Become Ho's, Company Says

The makers of the popular drug crack issued a safety warning today,
advising crack's millions of users that habitual use of the stimulant
could cause them to become ho's.

A spokesman for Pharmacia Cranque LLP announced the safety warning from
its corporate headquarters in Brussels, causing its shares to plummet on
Wall Street.

"Clinical studies have shown that continued use of crack may, in some rare
instances, cause the habitual crack user to become a crack ho," said
spokesman Jean-Luc Van de Velde.

While not every crack user becomes a crack ho, Mr. Van de Velde added,
"the occurrence of crack ho's per one million crack users was high enough
to warrant this safety advisory."

In Kansas City, crack user Shelly McTaggart said she felt "betrayed" by
the drug giant's announcement: "I've been smoking crack every day for the
last eight years and there was no warning label indicating that I was in
danger of becoming a ho - which, by the way, I am."

Drug industry experts said that the safety warning was particularly bad
news for Pharmacia Cranque, which earlier this year was forced to issue
similar warnings for two of its hottest-selling street drugs, China Girl
and Chiba Chiba.

Dexter Tolan of Credit Suisse First Boston said that the company's latest
woes may cause investors to look elsewhere to put their drug money to
work: "Right now I've gone from 'neutral' to 'buy' on crystal meth."

Willabong 23rd Dec 2004 23:45

Music as it should be! http://www.rockstargames.com/upload/...a/drewcope.swf :wink:


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