Noumenon
5th Mar 2007, 17:38
I was planning to post something else next, a little homage to Palimpsest, but I've not got started on it yet. I wrote this right at the end of last year and a cheery little tale it is too. Minimal punctuation I'm afraid so it should prove a nightmare to read just like my last one - in the original draft I was also playing around with the narrator's accent, so I, I'm, I've and I'd appeared as ah, am, av and ad. Readers will be delighted to hear that I've laboriously changed these closer to conventional English, although me for my still persists (so does the monster word count - 8,818 - sorry).
I'm posting this because I was inspired by an obscure John Christopher novel which I have not yet read - however, I have just found a copy on Amazon so I thought I'd get this out in the world before accusations of plagerism plague my career. Part of me wonders how long I'll get away with doing little other than posting my own stories on a site devoted to the works of established writers... maybe I should keep submitting brilliant, modest and original work.
PS: if you are planning to read this, don't skip to the end unless you want to risk ruining the experience for yourself... The Blade
I work at the supermarket on tills. Its not great but I make enough for me rent and one night out a week which I dont take so its not so bad. They give us a uniform that whispers when you move or breathe a skirt with an apron front I hate it but its got long sleeves at least so it works. Sometimes watching people buy stuff makes me itch almost worse than being at home did not often but still pretty bad. Sometimes I think about a guy coming to buy stuff when Im doing me own shop except we couldnt never have sex and no one does anyway because no one buys what I buy.
I dont drive I walk to work unless the weather is really bad when Ill maybe get a bus but not even then always on foot it takes me about half an hour. I live on an estate its a big house split up and my flat is the ground floor front one which I thought was great because it came with a garden it would be nice to make something good come from dirt not that Im a gardener or anything.
I like walking because if I sit on a bus or something I start thinking and Id rather have hurting feet than a hurting head which leads elsewhere and I like when the world is slowed down enough to watch it happen instead of when it rushes up on you which can be awful. The market is quite big lots of tills and even though it gets busy all that space helps to thin it out and there is usually somewhere for a girl to duck out of sight for a bit although I dont have to hide or anything its only a job.
Everyones got stupid since the news I see it watching them running up aisles and grabbing everything they like but that wont last not grabbing the stuff that will. Which is alright because it means more for me but the busyness makes me itch worse. The itch was there before too always the busyness that made it come watching mums busyness around the house then her going all loose when she came back with no one and started to yell at me for it until I got out Im never going back. Took a long time before that though and everything was totally miserable even when she wasnt angry.
I remember washing up at home and feeling the itching and knowing not to do the cutlery now because of the temptation but I broke a plate an old one which I never do. I got a piece and pulled it over the itch and it made like a pink bruise under me wrist with a white zipper down the middle that didnt bleed any but could have if Id pushed a bit harder. I stopped washing then and just stood for minutes I dont know how many. It made the itch better and only looked like thorn scratches. Mum went nuts when she saw the plate even though it was only used for putting fruit on and didnt even notice the little zips while she was going on and sent me to bed.
As soon as I finished school and started at the market and got paid I left home and got me place me ground floor flat basically a bedroom and a kitchen with a tiny now dead garden outside and off the hall a sofa room and bathroom I have to share with the other tenants but who I dont ever see or anything. It uses most of me money but its worth it to not be at home anymore and even though I didnt want a phone either Ive got one in the kitchen but I dont have to pay for it apparently and it just hangs there. Me pockets are always empty apart from me purse which is always almost empty and me keys and apart from one other thing too.
I found it about three months after I started work and six months before the news outside the market back where the flattened boxes go and the delivery gets made it was under the corner of the box layers. It had a little handle that felt like plastic but looked like white wood with lines of grey hand grease in it that came out when I washed it at me flat later and that made it feel like a big almond nut. Inside was a blade that swung out and was totally clean no rust which was like finding something good in the middle of the dirt. I kept it under the pillow and slept really well and with the itching gone and would always wake up holding it under there but always closed. Feeling the thin line of cold in the edge of the nut on me palm or me wrist was nice but even though I was never busy at home the markets busyness would stay with me and the itching too until just the nice cold wasnt enough and I started to scrape the point on me like I did with me torn nails or a twisted plastic fork in the old school canteen or that broken plate years ago.
After a really bad day of work I come home and scraped it hard enough to make blood pop up in a row of beads and it was such a relief that I all came and fell asleep dressed but that only happened once and I never felt like it again and in all of this I never actually cut until after the news when everything went crazy. Until then it was only scraping and no more but even that leaves marks and I needed those long sleeves or sooner or later someone would notice at work or see them in the hall outside. Not that anyone here would speak or care but at work I could be spoken to or fired I dont know so it is best kept under sleeves. I was always ready to call it eczema but no one ever noticed but then when someone did notice I forgot to.
The assistant manager always seemed nice but then she saw me arm when me sleeve rode up against the boxes wed been unloading and gave me a bad kind of look that made me wonder if she didnt like me. Then she said I had to talk to her later after me shift and I thought I knew she didnt like me now. But when I finished in the afternoon and went to the office they were all watching the news break thats how I found out too. Everyone got worried and she who was there she just patted me shoulder as she went out and never mentioned it to anyone that I know. She was alright but she left a few months later to live with her family and never came back.
The news said all the grass in america was dying not just like the garden grass but all the grains wheat oats barley all the crops they grow in america. They grow lots but it was dying faster than they could plant more and they would die too just as fast. They were running out of animal feed so all the cows sheep and buffalo would starve. The american president was wanting everyone to help and making a lot of noise when it wasnt happening as fast as he wanted. The manager asked how long before he starts shooting nuclear missiles all over to get it and someone laughed. Then the news said that mcdonalds and all those others had had their freeze dried stock confiscated for rationing purposes and everyone laughed. Then they said that grasses were dying in africa and asia and everybody stopped laughing. She patted me on the shoulder.
That was the first night I cut. I thought no one is going to notice now. She had the best chance and the news about the grass made her forget. I was right too no one ever noticed although its not like I started wearing strappies to work or at all. I used the little white nut the knife just lightly like a paper cut and it hurt a lot but I could go to sleep and usually get through the next day working without wanting to do it again. Not always because sometimes the busyness was too much and sometimes I had to sneak into the toilet or outside and poke me cuts with a nail or a knuckle and make them hurt again but it was never the same as the cutting and just made me want to more. It got harder the more the shelves got emptier and the customers got angrier.
Im a vegan. I decided no meat when I was seven and me mum let me she even learned to make some foods for me that were weird but nice but I still got bullied for it at school and it got worse when I got older and everyone learned what eating meat meant and what it meant about me if I didnt which is not true although I dont. Anyway that is how I know about all the grass stuff I could have told anyone since most of what I eat comes from grass but I dont have to worry. Seeds are fine as long as they dont shoot thats when the toxin gets them but there is plenty of grains and seeds and such to go around for a while anyway although not for animals. But people still went crazy panicking because theres no bacon and everyday Id watch them run past the lentils screaming wheres the food wheres the food oh god. Nutters.
When the news came that all the grasses in europe were dying too I started taking the stuff I eat and storing up at me flat Ive got about a tonne of chickpeas and stuff there now it fills me kitchen under me bed in the wardrobe. I felt funny buying it from one of the others every night so during a quiet spell Id ring up what I wanted like a customer and pay and then pick the bits up later. No one ever noticed again and I could probably just start walking out with it and the same would happen but Im not going to risk me job for a couple of near worthless quid.
Theres less green outside. Trees still look the same but the fields look like they were burned and the hedgerows are fine as well only they arent much use anymore. They killed all the farm animals before they starved to make the most of them and now everyone queues up at mucky dees for their crap patties and indestructo fries. Lots of people are unemployed and Im probably next anyway since theres not much we sell now that anyone wants and I dont know if that makes me glad or scares me totally. The markets busyness makes me struggle but I dont know what Id do for money and I cant move back home and if I lose me flat Ill have no place for all the food. I started cutting before work not just after but me arms are always sore and bruise in a second and one day I just could not do it any more. I stared at me arm and called in sick and slept all day and when I woke up me arms were still grey and scarred and ached at the thought of using me knife and so I didnt but the itching did not go away only now I wasnt doing anything to stop it getting worse and it did get worse.
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Me arms burn. I cant touch them because then they scream to be rubbed or scratched or worse and I cant bare not doing so I have to not let it start. I banged one only a bit on a crate in the storeroom and I just wanted to do it again but harder all that rough splintery wood biting me I had this image of me just standing there swinging me arms against the crate corner over and over and smiling a horrible smile and I had to run out I almost puked.
It didnt bruise all that much thank god but both me arms still look bad and Im worried about if theres something Im missing in me diet. Ive not bought fruit for a bit because the prices have gone up and bread is far too expensive but they still dont feel right and its been a week five days I mean so I go out to the pharmacy its me day off. I tell the guy that Im a vegan and think I need a diet supplement tell him what I eat which he approves and that I notice bruises more I tell him little knocks banged shin and he gets down to business in the room behind the counter talking about I dont know something. I look at the shelves and find moisturisers and when he hands me the vitamins I buy one thats good for skin they all say that and doesnt worry about use on broken or irritated areas most say that and then I pick the cheapest. Even so its almost too much for me to pay and as Im leaving Im glad Ive got the food I have because I wont be buying any more this month and Ill be skipping the tv and no lights after dark I cant afford a lecky fine.
I dont take a pill until I get back home and can have a proper look at the instructions in the kitchen. I drink one with water and then have another I doubt Im going to od on the first two and if it does have what Im missing I might as well give them what they want. The guy made it for two months one a day but if I dont feel the difference in a week Im going to have two every day and see if that works I dont know if this is a good idea but Ive got to do something.
I take off me jumper I tried wearing baggy tops but they flapped against me arms and I couldnt have it so now all me tops are pretty close and taking me arms from the sleeves makes me shake all over. Ive got the moisturiser and I know what Im going to do is a bit crazy and it makes me hesitate but Im going to so I flip the lid and squeeze a worm of cold white onto my palm slowly all spiralling into a mountain and while its still cold I close me eyes and smear it onto me other arm and I jump and drop the bottle because me arm feels like its freezing and the rest still burns but the cold bit goes numb and I keep smearing it all over me arm even on the back where I never cut and it felt great. I had to do the other arm too and almost dropped the bottle again with slippery fingers but then I was sat there at the little table with me arms out either side covered in this cream up to me elbows and its such a relief I dont even smile I just sag with me arms up so they dont touch anything.
Im still there like that when the phone rings and it is exactly by me hand on the wall but Im covered in this stuff. I look around theres nothing helpful so I wipe me hand over me throat to dry it before I answer and it turns out to be the new assistant manager saying there was ten hours if I wanted it noon til ten it was half ten already. Well she asks and I look at me arms that I cant feel and I dont want to but I need the money so I say okay and she says good see you soon hangs up and I do too. I look at the moisturiser bottle Ive used about half stupid but its not too expensive for me not to buy more but anyway I dont want to waste what Ive used. I get a plastic tub from the cupboard with me dry hand and scrape the stuff off me other then I get ready and slowly gently scrape it off me inner arm and it tingles but hardly anything and I see the scar marks look puckered a bit but not dirty or bad so I do the other and its the same and a finish off the backs of me arms as well. It doesnt look like a lot now its off but it doesnt look dirty like water after the dishes or anything so I put the lid on the tub and stick it in the fridge and the moisturiser bottle too. The numbness lasts while I wash and put on me uniform but by the time I walk out the door I can feel the itching again and it grows like a bubble waiting to be burst.
At the market the manager did something really nice for everyone everyone who showed up anyway some staff are getting a bit lazy with their days or just stop coming completely anyway a load of potatoes came in that morning and word spread at the speed of light before three pm theyd all been bought by lesser idiots who could just about recognise them as food even though they didnt come out of an animal. The manager finished at seven but before that he called us to the office one by one and gave everyone a big bag of spuds from a stash hed made in a corner of the store Id been seeing people come out of the office crying and thought he was firing them but when it was me turn I left crying too what a babe you dont see much kindness at the moment. Potatoes arent dying but until they start to get more growing the price is still high so not only do I get more cash at the end of the month it seems so far off but I also have something new to eat for a change me other stuff will keep for ages so this week will be potato week and what I cant eat Ill freeze for later this is a blessing.
When I finish work and pick up me potatoes me arms are no better and carrying the heavy weight over one shoulder I turn over the knife in me pocket with me spare hand thinking about wanting to cut and try to change to imagining spreading the moisturiser onto me arms with it instead like margarine. I always walk no spare money for the bus you dont see so many cars now as most people need their money for food and every time I pass the petrol station on the main road the price per gallon has dropped again but it doesnt seem to be making a difference because the roads are still almost a pedestrian only zone apart from the buses police cars fire engines and ambulances. The nights are early and its dark between street lights but even though outside you can always hear shouted voices in the distance and sirens and bangs sometimes I dont feel too nervous walking alone Ive got a heavy bag of food I can hit someone with if they try to take it and I would as well.
I hear cars coming but Im not using the road still on the pavement but I turn after the first one passes to see the whole convoy which is of army jeeps and trucks and a thing half truck half tank in the middle all camouflaged and it seems like every face on board watches me as they pass. I dont think this is a good sign but I dont know what its a sign of and I dont think I want to either I just want to get home now and put on warm clothes and go to bed and no I want to do something to me arms one thing or another. When I see the building I feel the relief and I speed up a bit let go of the knife for me keys and get indoors get in me flat and put down the potatoes stretching me stiff arm from where its been carrying the weight and as the blood starts moving again I feel a flush flood down me arm and I groan with it and before I know it me other hand is scratching and I only realise what Im doing when me nail catches a scar and the sting makes me gasp and I pull me hand away to check it. Theres a little blood but not much it doesnt run out anyway and in fact me arm looks better pink not grey although the other is still the same.
I go into the kitchen and get the tub and bottle out of the fridge and take the knife out of me pocket and sit at the table with everything laid out in front to look at. I open the tub but the moisturiser I saved looks funny now its gone clear not white and it feels fine and cold when I touch it with me finger but Im not putting it on me arms like that so I push the tub away and open the blade out of its handle and then open the bottle which is cold itself and I really want the stuff on me so much. Im about to squeeze some out onto the knife but at the last moment I stop and I put the idea of spreading it on out of me mind close up the knife and pocket it before I take a handful of the cold moisturiser and carefully smear it up me arm from the wrist and then do the other and its still so good numbing and this time I dont go mad and leave the back of me arms dry god its nice. After a minute I get up and go to bed I stay dressed and put me body warmer on its sleeveless and get into bed still dressed with me arms resting on top of the sheets and blanket the room is cold without the heating on but Im warm in the bed and fall sleep and wake up in the morning with me arms chill and gummy but I feel pretty good and dont mind that I have to go to work.
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I see another army jeep on the way to the market and theres two soldiers there with machine guns stood next to it and they look at me across the street but they dont say anything and I only look at them out of the corner of me eye as I pass and turn a corner early so they wont watch me all the way down the street until I get to the bottom. When I get to the market theres only four of us today including the manager thats low I keep hearing the others talking about the soldiers they must be all over town because the manager lives miles away and he says there are even some in his bit which I thought was a nice area. We are sort of busy but not really because not many customers come in and theres no delivery so we just face up all morning and eat lunch around one of the tills because no ones coming in and the afternoon looks like its going to be the same until the doors open and a gang an actual gang of men all come in at once and its a surprise because Ive not seen that many customers in the market all at once for maybe a month but also weird because none of them are talking.
The first few come in through the right way but there must be twenty and some come through where the tills are and youre not supposed to do that so I say excuse me but and before I finish one tells me to shut me mouth and I see one of our lot look up at that and he sees all these men coming in and he ducks down the aisle and I think what a chicken. The gang start spreading out and taking things off the shelves and I was worried already but they are knocking things off them and not caring about the mess and no one took a basket which sounds stupid but now Im quite scared. Then the manager appears with the chicken and I think he probably did the best thing actually and the manager says gents gents youre making a mess here can I help you and one of them the leader I think said no you cant now fuck off and the manager said I will have to ask you to leave and the gang leader walked up to him and pushed him he fell against the wall stand of batteries and went over then the same one who told me to shut up threw a packet of light bulbs which hit his face and then all the men were shouting and running around crazy and one of them came at me and I screamed and ducked down behind me till but he just grabbed me thing of carrier bags and went back. After a moment their noise got further away.
I peeked up the manager was being helped up by the chicken not a chicken and I couldnt see the other one but I could see the gang moving back and forth up in the aisles so I slid out of me booth and ran for the exit. I got outside and it was so strange because it was like nothing was happening nothing was wrong you couldnt tell it was totally unreal then I saw another jeep open top with three soldiers in it coming this way I ran into the street waving me arms and it sped up then stopped right on top of me. The soldiers jumped out with their machine guns and I told them what was happening and they pushed passed me one talking into a radio and another told me to wait outside. I did but a minute later an army truck arrived and disappeared round back to the delivery entrance and then I couldnt wait and I went back inside.
The three soldiers had the gang lined up they were all kneeling down with their hands behind their heads and the manager and the other two were stood with the tills between them and the rest. They saw me and the manager waved me over and gave me a hug and said well done then a load more soldiers appeared and started tying the gang mens hands with little strips of something getting them up and leading them towards the back of the shop. The first three soldiers spoke with another older one he must have been a captain or something who then came over to us the manager said thank you very much but the older soldier just said youre going to have to close the supermarket sir and when the manager started to argue the older soldier got a scary look on his face not much different from the gang leader before he started pushing. Its going to get worse not better mate he said so you can close it now or I can arrest you take the keys and close it for you but its going to happen so you may as well stay free yeah and I stopped thinking he was a captain at least not a very nice one.
The manager nodded and the older soldier turned away and started telling the others their orders then he looked our way again and said youve got ten minutes lock the front now and Ill be waiting out back maybe hes worked in a market too once because thats how it works got to set the alarm and leave at the back. The manager nodded again and locked up the front and the older soldier nodded and went off then the manager said to us they dont mean just for today okay I think weve been shut down for good so listen take what you want or need I dont care what Im going to grab some stuff too just take it and be ready to go in five minutes Ill run it all through the till so it looks like we paid and we all go out together with receipts and everything. We did exactly that and when we left we all had our hands full of stuffed bags and the older soldier gave us all a really hard look as we passed which none of us returned at all but the manager locked the door and handed the keys to him and said the alarm is on and Ive written the code on the key ring so if anyone else tries this youll have the advantage bye. We have the advantage anyway said the older soldier but he pocketed them anyway and we all went to the managers car in the little car park. He insisted we all get in he wasnt having us walk around loaded up wed get robbed again so we filled totally filled the boot and then got in and he drove us all home. I live closest so I was out first but he helped me get me stuff from the boot and thanked me again Id give you a bonus he said if cash wasnt worth less than this toilet paper now and he gave me another hug and said hed phone me as soon as they were open again and the two inside called bye bye and good luck and I waved as they all drove off.
I guess I dont work at the market anymore. I get me stuff into the flat unpack and start looking for places to put it all. Ive got twelve toilet rolls two packs of soap four tubes of toothpaste and a new toothbrush five tubs of those orange flavoured vitamins for kids seven bags of different dried beans a load of little jars of herbs and spices and finally a cellophane wrapped pack of the best sensitive skin moisturiser we stock stocked twelve squeezy bottles. Most of it goes in the bathroom which is fine because I didnt have enough in there anyway and the beans end up stuffed into the bread bin I dont know why Id not used it before its been standing empty since the last bread delivery three months back. Im tired even though we only worked half a day it must be the excitement or stress anyway so I strip off for a shower and stand in it until the water starts to cool then I dry off carefully on the arms then put on lots of layers but making sure I only pick short sleeves. I use some more of the first bottle of moisturiser theres about a quarter left and put another bottle in the fridge with it in advance. Then I lie on the bed with me arms out like jesus for hours until it gets dark and I fall asleep.
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I do nothing the next day. I dont have a shower but I run me arms under it to clean off the gunk and I want to put more on straight away but I cant afford to run out so Im going to have to be careful with it its about as valuable as food to me. Straight away I start thinking about how nice it is and how I want to use some and how I cant and its stupid but I feel like crying and after an hour of lying back on the bed with me nails dug in me palms going hup hup I feel so bad that nothing can help not even the moisturiser and I want to start doing it again and I start looking at me arms as if they were fine and thinking how I could cut them easy and it wouldnt matter but it would feel so good and then I can feel the knife in me pocket and that makes me get up and go in the kitchen and start cooking to stop thinking like that.
I can knock something up in no time usually but to keep me mind off other things and because me normal food is getting a bit boring I do something more complicated so while Im boiling lentils I open two or three of me new beans and get a handful of each going in separate pans and when its all done itll make more than I can eat in three days but thats okay itll store fine and for a while I feel almost happy warming me hands over the pans thinking about all the food Ive got at least Ill not starve soon I dont eat much anyway so I could probably go six months before I need more as long as they dont shut off the water but Ill not think about that. When the beans are ready I drain them and when the lentils are done I do the same mix them all up and leave them to dry then I make a kind of sauce with water a stock cube and some spices and later I fry them in it and it does make loads most of which goes in a bigger tub for later but the rest goes in me and its pretty good fills me up.
Outside its starting to get dark and for some reason I start thinking about me mum god knows why maybe its the food but I dont know why it would be because I make it better than she ever did the vegan stuff anyway no actually all of it. But whatever I cant get her out of me head and I dont know where its going but I imagine having her round to eat what I just cooked and I can see us talking but not what about and I imagine her taking out this whole string one after another of rings wedding bands and stacking them up on the same finger like to compare or as if they were all current and I realise Im laughing out loud in the kitchen. I sit there for probably another twenty minutes looking at the phone every now and then before I get up and check the line which is still connected and Ive started dialling without thinking about it although I guess thats exactly what Ive been doing all this time so I dont hang up I just wait and then the ringing tone comes and I start to shiver. I still know her voice but I suddenly cant remember how she answers the phone what words she uses its been that long since I called her and Ive no idea what Im going to say probably Ill just say hi its me and see what happens next probably shell be silent then god knows and the phone is still ringing and she hasnt picked up.
I hang up after five minutes and I can still hear the sound of the ring even when I go into the bedroom and lie down and stare at the ceiling. I think about me arms and I hold them up in front of me eyes to look at but Im not really seeing them now Im seeing the shapes they used to have on them that I cant see anymore I saw an old film black and white when I was five or something where a guy in a prison used to mark off the days on the walls until he got out. I wonder if it could go on so long you start making marks on top of the marks until it becomes more like crossing days out instead of marking them off. The knife is in me pocket I get it and pull the blade out and put it on me left arm and make a slow cut it starts straight and hurts a lot and makes me hands shake like crazy and the cut ends up jagged and I get a runner of blood hot down to me elbow. I put the knife back in me pocket and cup me hand under the blood until it stops and then I got up went to the bathroom and washed me hand and wiped me arm carefully then went back to bed and fell asleep.
I wake in the night its still dark and I dont know why and then I hear the noise and then a bang that is so loud it must be in me flat and the voices and I think it was me kitchen door being smashed open and Im totally awake and Im so scared. All the lights are off until the one in the kitchen goes on and I can hear them moving around in there and theres a lot of noise and then I hear rain the sound of rain in me kitchen and a voice is swearing and the rain gets louder. A voice says potatoes here and theres some more talking but then the light from the kitchen is blocked by a man in the doorway looking at me and he says Ive got another one in here and the voices stop the rain too. Take it I say except the words hardly come out and he says take what the potatoes thanks we will what else and I say all of it he says chilli powder wont cut it bitch theres nothing in your fucking freezer and he comes straight at me and I shuffle back but he drags the sheets away and pulls me off the bed and holds me by the arm not the cut one. Theres two more guys in the kitchen looking at us and one asks any money and the others says sod money is there no bloody food in here or what and behind them I can see rice and lentils and others lying all over the floor theres even some drifts of it.
The first guy drags me towards the door and I dont want to go in there and yank me arm out of his grip and I take two steps backwards towards me bed before his fist gets really big then me face goes bam and I fall flat on the bed on me back and the next thing I know is the hurt from me chin to me nose and its all red hot and stinging and the rest of me face is sticky as if Ive been crying but I dont remember now someones dragging me on me toes through the kitchen me heads hanging and I can see two lines being drawn through the drifts of me food and footprints on either side I try and pull me head up and I see their feet kicking it around with each step and I see the other one hes got the bottle of moisturiser from the fridge hes squirting it all over then were outside I cant keep me head up me dead garden passes under me then pavement and then I hear a familiar sound and then Im being pushed into a car back seat and I start to struggle and then the back of me head goes bam again
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theres this big moving press on me I can hardly breathe for the weight of it and then everything runs up into me head and makes me feel sick then it all runs out again and I feel dizzy its the car moving turning corners with me lying down and then I feel a hand pulling at me panties and I realise the weight is a person trying to fuck me. I dont open me eyes I dont want to see it I screw them up but I hit with the arm not crushed against the seat only for him to pin me down by me elbow and I cant do anything now as he tugs me panties down a bit just enough barely. Go on says a voice from the front go on and the heavy breathing above me goes keep your eyes on the fucking road and when he tries to stick his thing in although Im no expert part of me brain thinks hes not very good at this. Then he gets it right half right but it hurts a lot and I cant keep me eyes shut and I can hardly see anything but the hair under his chin and in his collar and I look down at where hes pinning me arm while he shakes about Im still dressed me arms are still covered and the same part of me brain goes at least he didnt see them and call me freak. And in the same moment that Im thinking of me cutting and of me one only other fuck if thats what it was I remember that me knife is in me pocket.
I can just fish it out with me pinned arm but its closed so I force me other arm from between me and the seat back and put it between us to pull out the blade and just as me fingers get it his belly presses down on me arm he feels it there and pins that one back as well but the blade comes out enough that I can flick it the rest of the way using the corner of me pocket. I stick it in his hip feel it grate on something and he makes a sound its a shriek and the car wobbles then a laughing voice says fucking hell is that your come voice but his hand lets go of me elbow so I pull it out again and reach up and stick it in the muscle at the back of his neck to the side and he screams and the car jerks hard and theres suddenly lots of shouting too and when I pull it out blood comes running down him and I cant feel him down there anymore.
I wave the knife forward between the seats and see it run down the back of an arm splitting open the sleeve below the shoulder and then theres two screaming and only one shouting and the wobbling feel of the car becomes long and swooping instead of tight and fast then theres three screaming and then theres a huge crunch and the weight goes completely off me then theres a smashing sound and now I can see the car all around me and no guy no rapist anymore the cars stopped. Me elbows really hurt not just there actually but it hurts to sit up on them even for a moment but I can see two of them in the front seats dangling forwards and theres no windscreen in front. I fall back but me arms are okay to reach past me head for the door handle and pull it and the door pops open so I wriggle up pushing it open until I slide out onto the road only its the pavement. I roll onto me side and get up feeling sick.
The front of the car is all crushed into a brick wall that is fallen down in the middle and the guy who was on me is on that now and hes not moving fuck him the other two are not moving either fuck them. I push down me skirt then pull up me panties a bit through it and me hands are empty I look in the back of the car and me knife is on the seat so I lean in and get it and I see me bag of potatoes on the floor behind the passenger seat and I pull me head out of the car bend over and puke. I straighten up and look around and I know where I am nearer the market than home but it wont take too long to walk and I start me legs shaking leaving the potatoes and putting the knife back in me pocket except I dont close it and I dont let it go either.
I wonder why me mum didnt answer the phone when I rang her was she there not answering or was she somewhere else I wonder if shes got food or if shes got someone now who can give her food I cant believe there are people like that out there even with everything gone wrong why do people do stuff like that what makes someone go so wrong. The knife in me pocket feels big with the blade out the pocket is only small tight around me hand and I can feel the blades shape against me thigh I hope shes safe they would have hurt me hurt me more I turn around and Im in the middle of the road not on the pavement the car isnt very far away yet nothings moving back there although there is some smoke or steam I think from the front I look away and try to walk faster but I feel shaky on me legs and nearly fall over I jab me leg with the blade through the inside of the pocket ow I hope shes safe we didnt get on since I was still quite little but I hope shes alright I hope shes there when I get home I mean Ill call her again and I hope she answers mum they would have hurt me mum ow they would have hurt me a lot mum I look behind again and the car is still hardly any distance if they came out now oh they could catch me again easy I fall over awkward with only one hand out ow ow me free hand is all grazed and bits of gravel in it mum but I get up and me knees are bleeding too ow ow ow. At the corner I turn to look again before Im off this street and the car is still near still still.
I cant see the car now but I keep seeing them theres no one on this street but I keep seeing them why would they do that god Ive crossed me free arm across me body and Im squeezing me other one making all the old cuts hurt and me bleeding hand too but I dont care I dont care anymore at all what difference does it make if its me or someone else theyd have hurt me and not cared either thats what they did. I look down and stumble again but I see the shape of me fist in me pocket lower down me bloody knees and me feet dropping down over and over and theres a little blood on the outside of me leg from where I jabbed with the blade and I want to cut so bad but not here inside oh everything goes blue and blurry and I wobble towards the wall and lean on it so I dont fall and I dont but I do smack me palm on it leaving a bloody print but the fire wakes me up a little.
I keep leaning on the wall as I walk handprints all along it but they could follow them if they saw them so I stop and try to walk without leaning although Im slower like this and I feel dizzy again Im so tired mum I just want to stop worrying about all this shit I just want to sleep until it has all got better or gone away I think she would understand that shed say dont worry youre nearly there were almost home now just get some rest mum Im scared theyll come back I cant sleep she says dont worry they wont come I want to cut again mum dont worry baby dont worry. Shes not here Ive started crying and Ive taken me hand out of me pocket with the knife Im close to home now shes right I can see the house up ahead and across the road and when I go to step onto the pavement I trip on it and go over on me palm and crush me fingers holding the knife handle ow oh ow but I get up and keep going its close now mum come home I will Im close enough to see me little garden and the open door inside but everything goes blue again deeper and Im close to it in the garden mum but I fall over again and its so soft Im not getting up mum rest now baby rest
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I open me eyes and its light its day I hurt all over me face me head me hands and knees and leg and Im sore between them a bit and then I remember it all and I want to scream. Im in the garden lying on soil looking down I can see the outline of me face pressed into it and I go to brush dirt off me cheek and stop when I see the knife in me hand the blade its so close to me I can see me eye in it looking back I cant take me eyes off it shiny sharp smooth Im not thinking just looking.
I get up feeling all the hurts in me as I do I keep looking back to the blade as I look around theres still no one to see I wonder if theres anyone left here at all or if it was just me and I wonder if everyones gone elsewhere and thats why mum didnt answer. I start towards the open door and I press the hand with the knife to me chest and I keep looking back down at between me breasts as I reach to pull the door open wider and step over the jam and go inside and looking down thats why I see the mess of dirt and footprints on the floor rice and stuff scattered and kicked into drifts splashes and puddles of moisturiser and little droplets of blood which is probably mine and even though Im looking at me bright cold blade and not them I also see something else and it makes me stop walking.
Near the empty moisturiser bottle theres a clot of mud its from a footprint soil from me garden that they trod in here but mixed up with the moisturiser and a bit of me blood a little blot of muck thats all but theres a green shoot sticking out of it not very big but its green and not going brown or black at the tip its just green green all the way. I stare and think its probably rice Ive never seen a rice plant only the grains everything starts going blue again and I remember to suck in a breath and I feel light headed but dont fall over.
Ive been staring for I dont know how long before I go and get a tub from the cupboard and collect all the moisturiser off the floor that I can I pull the top off the bottle and use the knife to scrape out whats left then I go outside and scoop up some more soil from the garden and mix it all together until its like mud too. I go back inside and I crouch down and sweep up the muddy clot and its little shoot into me palm it stings but I dont mind Ive got all sorts of rice and other things that will grow and soil and another eleven bottles that didnt get wasted and I know where I can get more I can get the manager to help I bet he keeps another set of keys.
I sit down at me kitchen table and using the knife I make a hole in the mud to plant the little blade of grass.
I'm posting this because I was inspired by an obscure John Christopher novel which I have not yet read - however, I have just found a copy on Amazon so I thought I'd get this out in the world before accusations of plagerism plague my career. Part of me wonders how long I'll get away with doing little other than posting my own stories on a site devoted to the works of established writers... maybe I should keep submitting brilliant, modest and original work.
PS: if you are planning to read this, don't skip to the end unless you want to risk ruining the experience for yourself... The Blade
I work at the supermarket on tills. Its not great but I make enough for me rent and one night out a week which I dont take so its not so bad. They give us a uniform that whispers when you move or breathe a skirt with an apron front I hate it but its got long sleeves at least so it works. Sometimes watching people buy stuff makes me itch almost worse than being at home did not often but still pretty bad. Sometimes I think about a guy coming to buy stuff when Im doing me own shop except we couldnt never have sex and no one does anyway because no one buys what I buy.
I dont drive I walk to work unless the weather is really bad when Ill maybe get a bus but not even then always on foot it takes me about half an hour. I live on an estate its a big house split up and my flat is the ground floor front one which I thought was great because it came with a garden it would be nice to make something good come from dirt not that Im a gardener or anything.
I like walking because if I sit on a bus or something I start thinking and Id rather have hurting feet than a hurting head which leads elsewhere and I like when the world is slowed down enough to watch it happen instead of when it rushes up on you which can be awful. The market is quite big lots of tills and even though it gets busy all that space helps to thin it out and there is usually somewhere for a girl to duck out of sight for a bit although I dont have to hide or anything its only a job.
Everyones got stupid since the news I see it watching them running up aisles and grabbing everything they like but that wont last not grabbing the stuff that will. Which is alright because it means more for me but the busyness makes me itch worse. The itch was there before too always the busyness that made it come watching mums busyness around the house then her going all loose when she came back with no one and started to yell at me for it until I got out Im never going back. Took a long time before that though and everything was totally miserable even when she wasnt angry.
I remember washing up at home and feeling the itching and knowing not to do the cutlery now because of the temptation but I broke a plate an old one which I never do. I got a piece and pulled it over the itch and it made like a pink bruise under me wrist with a white zipper down the middle that didnt bleed any but could have if Id pushed a bit harder. I stopped washing then and just stood for minutes I dont know how many. It made the itch better and only looked like thorn scratches. Mum went nuts when she saw the plate even though it was only used for putting fruit on and didnt even notice the little zips while she was going on and sent me to bed.
As soon as I finished school and started at the market and got paid I left home and got me place me ground floor flat basically a bedroom and a kitchen with a tiny now dead garden outside and off the hall a sofa room and bathroom I have to share with the other tenants but who I dont ever see or anything. It uses most of me money but its worth it to not be at home anymore and even though I didnt want a phone either Ive got one in the kitchen but I dont have to pay for it apparently and it just hangs there. Me pockets are always empty apart from me purse which is always almost empty and me keys and apart from one other thing too.
I found it about three months after I started work and six months before the news outside the market back where the flattened boxes go and the delivery gets made it was under the corner of the box layers. It had a little handle that felt like plastic but looked like white wood with lines of grey hand grease in it that came out when I washed it at me flat later and that made it feel like a big almond nut. Inside was a blade that swung out and was totally clean no rust which was like finding something good in the middle of the dirt. I kept it under the pillow and slept really well and with the itching gone and would always wake up holding it under there but always closed. Feeling the thin line of cold in the edge of the nut on me palm or me wrist was nice but even though I was never busy at home the markets busyness would stay with me and the itching too until just the nice cold wasnt enough and I started to scrape the point on me like I did with me torn nails or a twisted plastic fork in the old school canteen or that broken plate years ago.
After a really bad day of work I come home and scraped it hard enough to make blood pop up in a row of beads and it was such a relief that I all came and fell asleep dressed but that only happened once and I never felt like it again and in all of this I never actually cut until after the news when everything went crazy. Until then it was only scraping and no more but even that leaves marks and I needed those long sleeves or sooner or later someone would notice at work or see them in the hall outside. Not that anyone here would speak or care but at work I could be spoken to or fired I dont know so it is best kept under sleeves. I was always ready to call it eczema but no one ever noticed but then when someone did notice I forgot to.
The assistant manager always seemed nice but then she saw me arm when me sleeve rode up against the boxes wed been unloading and gave me a bad kind of look that made me wonder if she didnt like me. Then she said I had to talk to her later after me shift and I thought I knew she didnt like me now. But when I finished in the afternoon and went to the office they were all watching the news break thats how I found out too. Everyone got worried and she who was there she just patted me shoulder as she went out and never mentioned it to anyone that I know. She was alright but she left a few months later to live with her family and never came back.
The news said all the grass in america was dying not just like the garden grass but all the grains wheat oats barley all the crops they grow in america. They grow lots but it was dying faster than they could plant more and they would die too just as fast. They were running out of animal feed so all the cows sheep and buffalo would starve. The american president was wanting everyone to help and making a lot of noise when it wasnt happening as fast as he wanted. The manager asked how long before he starts shooting nuclear missiles all over to get it and someone laughed. Then the news said that mcdonalds and all those others had had their freeze dried stock confiscated for rationing purposes and everyone laughed. Then they said that grasses were dying in africa and asia and everybody stopped laughing. She patted me on the shoulder.
That was the first night I cut. I thought no one is going to notice now. She had the best chance and the news about the grass made her forget. I was right too no one ever noticed although its not like I started wearing strappies to work or at all. I used the little white nut the knife just lightly like a paper cut and it hurt a lot but I could go to sleep and usually get through the next day working without wanting to do it again. Not always because sometimes the busyness was too much and sometimes I had to sneak into the toilet or outside and poke me cuts with a nail or a knuckle and make them hurt again but it was never the same as the cutting and just made me want to more. It got harder the more the shelves got emptier and the customers got angrier.
Im a vegan. I decided no meat when I was seven and me mum let me she even learned to make some foods for me that were weird but nice but I still got bullied for it at school and it got worse when I got older and everyone learned what eating meat meant and what it meant about me if I didnt which is not true although I dont. Anyway that is how I know about all the grass stuff I could have told anyone since most of what I eat comes from grass but I dont have to worry. Seeds are fine as long as they dont shoot thats when the toxin gets them but there is plenty of grains and seeds and such to go around for a while anyway although not for animals. But people still went crazy panicking because theres no bacon and everyday Id watch them run past the lentils screaming wheres the food wheres the food oh god. Nutters.
When the news came that all the grasses in europe were dying too I started taking the stuff I eat and storing up at me flat Ive got about a tonne of chickpeas and stuff there now it fills me kitchen under me bed in the wardrobe. I felt funny buying it from one of the others every night so during a quiet spell Id ring up what I wanted like a customer and pay and then pick the bits up later. No one ever noticed again and I could probably just start walking out with it and the same would happen but Im not going to risk me job for a couple of near worthless quid.
Theres less green outside. Trees still look the same but the fields look like they were burned and the hedgerows are fine as well only they arent much use anymore. They killed all the farm animals before they starved to make the most of them and now everyone queues up at mucky dees for their crap patties and indestructo fries. Lots of people are unemployed and Im probably next anyway since theres not much we sell now that anyone wants and I dont know if that makes me glad or scares me totally. The markets busyness makes me struggle but I dont know what Id do for money and I cant move back home and if I lose me flat Ill have no place for all the food. I started cutting before work not just after but me arms are always sore and bruise in a second and one day I just could not do it any more. I stared at me arm and called in sick and slept all day and when I woke up me arms were still grey and scarred and ached at the thought of using me knife and so I didnt but the itching did not go away only now I wasnt doing anything to stop it getting worse and it did get worse.
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Me arms burn. I cant touch them because then they scream to be rubbed or scratched or worse and I cant bare not doing so I have to not let it start. I banged one only a bit on a crate in the storeroom and I just wanted to do it again but harder all that rough splintery wood biting me I had this image of me just standing there swinging me arms against the crate corner over and over and smiling a horrible smile and I had to run out I almost puked.
It didnt bruise all that much thank god but both me arms still look bad and Im worried about if theres something Im missing in me diet. Ive not bought fruit for a bit because the prices have gone up and bread is far too expensive but they still dont feel right and its been a week five days I mean so I go out to the pharmacy its me day off. I tell the guy that Im a vegan and think I need a diet supplement tell him what I eat which he approves and that I notice bruises more I tell him little knocks banged shin and he gets down to business in the room behind the counter talking about I dont know something. I look at the shelves and find moisturisers and when he hands me the vitamins I buy one thats good for skin they all say that and doesnt worry about use on broken or irritated areas most say that and then I pick the cheapest. Even so its almost too much for me to pay and as Im leaving Im glad Ive got the food I have because I wont be buying any more this month and Ill be skipping the tv and no lights after dark I cant afford a lecky fine.
I dont take a pill until I get back home and can have a proper look at the instructions in the kitchen. I drink one with water and then have another I doubt Im going to od on the first two and if it does have what Im missing I might as well give them what they want. The guy made it for two months one a day but if I dont feel the difference in a week Im going to have two every day and see if that works I dont know if this is a good idea but Ive got to do something.
I take off me jumper I tried wearing baggy tops but they flapped against me arms and I couldnt have it so now all me tops are pretty close and taking me arms from the sleeves makes me shake all over. Ive got the moisturiser and I know what Im going to do is a bit crazy and it makes me hesitate but Im going to so I flip the lid and squeeze a worm of cold white onto my palm slowly all spiralling into a mountain and while its still cold I close me eyes and smear it onto me other arm and I jump and drop the bottle because me arm feels like its freezing and the rest still burns but the cold bit goes numb and I keep smearing it all over me arm even on the back where I never cut and it felt great. I had to do the other arm too and almost dropped the bottle again with slippery fingers but then I was sat there at the little table with me arms out either side covered in this cream up to me elbows and its such a relief I dont even smile I just sag with me arms up so they dont touch anything.
Im still there like that when the phone rings and it is exactly by me hand on the wall but Im covered in this stuff. I look around theres nothing helpful so I wipe me hand over me throat to dry it before I answer and it turns out to be the new assistant manager saying there was ten hours if I wanted it noon til ten it was half ten already. Well she asks and I look at me arms that I cant feel and I dont want to but I need the money so I say okay and she says good see you soon hangs up and I do too. I look at the moisturiser bottle Ive used about half stupid but its not too expensive for me not to buy more but anyway I dont want to waste what Ive used. I get a plastic tub from the cupboard with me dry hand and scrape the stuff off me other then I get ready and slowly gently scrape it off me inner arm and it tingles but hardly anything and I see the scar marks look puckered a bit but not dirty or bad so I do the other and its the same and a finish off the backs of me arms as well. It doesnt look like a lot now its off but it doesnt look dirty like water after the dishes or anything so I put the lid on the tub and stick it in the fridge and the moisturiser bottle too. The numbness lasts while I wash and put on me uniform but by the time I walk out the door I can feel the itching again and it grows like a bubble waiting to be burst.
At the market the manager did something really nice for everyone everyone who showed up anyway some staff are getting a bit lazy with their days or just stop coming completely anyway a load of potatoes came in that morning and word spread at the speed of light before three pm theyd all been bought by lesser idiots who could just about recognise them as food even though they didnt come out of an animal. The manager finished at seven but before that he called us to the office one by one and gave everyone a big bag of spuds from a stash hed made in a corner of the store Id been seeing people come out of the office crying and thought he was firing them but when it was me turn I left crying too what a babe you dont see much kindness at the moment. Potatoes arent dying but until they start to get more growing the price is still high so not only do I get more cash at the end of the month it seems so far off but I also have something new to eat for a change me other stuff will keep for ages so this week will be potato week and what I cant eat Ill freeze for later this is a blessing.
When I finish work and pick up me potatoes me arms are no better and carrying the heavy weight over one shoulder I turn over the knife in me pocket with me spare hand thinking about wanting to cut and try to change to imagining spreading the moisturiser onto me arms with it instead like margarine. I always walk no spare money for the bus you dont see so many cars now as most people need their money for food and every time I pass the petrol station on the main road the price per gallon has dropped again but it doesnt seem to be making a difference because the roads are still almost a pedestrian only zone apart from the buses police cars fire engines and ambulances. The nights are early and its dark between street lights but even though outside you can always hear shouted voices in the distance and sirens and bangs sometimes I dont feel too nervous walking alone Ive got a heavy bag of food I can hit someone with if they try to take it and I would as well.
I hear cars coming but Im not using the road still on the pavement but I turn after the first one passes to see the whole convoy which is of army jeeps and trucks and a thing half truck half tank in the middle all camouflaged and it seems like every face on board watches me as they pass. I dont think this is a good sign but I dont know what its a sign of and I dont think I want to either I just want to get home now and put on warm clothes and go to bed and no I want to do something to me arms one thing or another. When I see the building I feel the relief and I speed up a bit let go of the knife for me keys and get indoors get in me flat and put down the potatoes stretching me stiff arm from where its been carrying the weight and as the blood starts moving again I feel a flush flood down me arm and I groan with it and before I know it me other hand is scratching and I only realise what Im doing when me nail catches a scar and the sting makes me gasp and I pull me hand away to check it. Theres a little blood but not much it doesnt run out anyway and in fact me arm looks better pink not grey although the other is still the same.
I go into the kitchen and get the tub and bottle out of the fridge and take the knife out of me pocket and sit at the table with everything laid out in front to look at. I open the tub but the moisturiser I saved looks funny now its gone clear not white and it feels fine and cold when I touch it with me finger but Im not putting it on me arms like that so I push the tub away and open the blade out of its handle and then open the bottle which is cold itself and I really want the stuff on me so much. Im about to squeeze some out onto the knife but at the last moment I stop and I put the idea of spreading it on out of me mind close up the knife and pocket it before I take a handful of the cold moisturiser and carefully smear it up me arm from the wrist and then do the other and its still so good numbing and this time I dont go mad and leave the back of me arms dry god its nice. After a minute I get up and go to bed I stay dressed and put me body warmer on its sleeveless and get into bed still dressed with me arms resting on top of the sheets and blanket the room is cold without the heating on but Im warm in the bed and fall sleep and wake up in the morning with me arms chill and gummy but I feel pretty good and dont mind that I have to go to work.
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I see another army jeep on the way to the market and theres two soldiers there with machine guns stood next to it and they look at me across the street but they dont say anything and I only look at them out of the corner of me eye as I pass and turn a corner early so they wont watch me all the way down the street until I get to the bottom. When I get to the market theres only four of us today including the manager thats low I keep hearing the others talking about the soldiers they must be all over town because the manager lives miles away and he says there are even some in his bit which I thought was a nice area. We are sort of busy but not really because not many customers come in and theres no delivery so we just face up all morning and eat lunch around one of the tills because no ones coming in and the afternoon looks like its going to be the same until the doors open and a gang an actual gang of men all come in at once and its a surprise because Ive not seen that many customers in the market all at once for maybe a month but also weird because none of them are talking.
The first few come in through the right way but there must be twenty and some come through where the tills are and youre not supposed to do that so I say excuse me but and before I finish one tells me to shut me mouth and I see one of our lot look up at that and he sees all these men coming in and he ducks down the aisle and I think what a chicken. The gang start spreading out and taking things off the shelves and I was worried already but they are knocking things off them and not caring about the mess and no one took a basket which sounds stupid but now Im quite scared. Then the manager appears with the chicken and I think he probably did the best thing actually and the manager says gents gents youre making a mess here can I help you and one of them the leader I think said no you cant now fuck off and the manager said I will have to ask you to leave and the gang leader walked up to him and pushed him he fell against the wall stand of batteries and went over then the same one who told me to shut up threw a packet of light bulbs which hit his face and then all the men were shouting and running around crazy and one of them came at me and I screamed and ducked down behind me till but he just grabbed me thing of carrier bags and went back. After a moment their noise got further away.
I peeked up the manager was being helped up by the chicken not a chicken and I couldnt see the other one but I could see the gang moving back and forth up in the aisles so I slid out of me booth and ran for the exit. I got outside and it was so strange because it was like nothing was happening nothing was wrong you couldnt tell it was totally unreal then I saw another jeep open top with three soldiers in it coming this way I ran into the street waving me arms and it sped up then stopped right on top of me. The soldiers jumped out with their machine guns and I told them what was happening and they pushed passed me one talking into a radio and another told me to wait outside. I did but a minute later an army truck arrived and disappeared round back to the delivery entrance and then I couldnt wait and I went back inside.
The three soldiers had the gang lined up they were all kneeling down with their hands behind their heads and the manager and the other two were stood with the tills between them and the rest. They saw me and the manager waved me over and gave me a hug and said well done then a load more soldiers appeared and started tying the gang mens hands with little strips of something getting them up and leading them towards the back of the shop. The first three soldiers spoke with another older one he must have been a captain or something who then came over to us the manager said thank you very much but the older soldier just said youre going to have to close the supermarket sir and when the manager started to argue the older soldier got a scary look on his face not much different from the gang leader before he started pushing. Its going to get worse not better mate he said so you can close it now or I can arrest you take the keys and close it for you but its going to happen so you may as well stay free yeah and I stopped thinking he was a captain at least not a very nice one.
The manager nodded and the older soldier turned away and started telling the others their orders then he looked our way again and said youve got ten minutes lock the front now and Ill be waiting out back maybe hes worked in a market too once because thats how it works got to set the alarm and leave at the back. The manager nodded again and locked up the front and the older soldier nodded and went off then the manager said to us they dont mean just for today okay I think weve been shut down for good so listen take what you want or need I dont care what Im going to grab some stuff too just take it and be ready to go in five minutes Ill run it all through the till so it looks like we paid and we all go out together with receipts and everything. We did exactly that and when we left we all had our hands full of stuffed bags and the older soldier gave us all a really hard look as we passed which none of us returned at all but the manager locked the door and handed the keys to him and said the alarm is on and Ive written the code on the key ring so if anyone else tries this youll have the advantage bye. We have the advantage anyway said the older soldier but he pocketed them anyway and we all went to the managers car in the little car park. He insisted we all get in he wasnt having us walk around loaded up wed get robbed again so we filled totally filled the boot and then got in and he drove us all home. I live closest so I was out first but he helped me get me stuff from the boot and thanked me again Id give you a bonus he said if cash wasnt worth less than this toilet paper now and he gave me another hug and said hed phone me as soon as they were open again and the two inside called bye bye and good luck and I waved as they all drove off.
I guess I dont work at the market anymore. I get me stuff into the flat unpack and start looking for places to put it all. Ive got twelve toilet rolls two packs of soap four tubes of toothpaste and a new toothbrush five tubs of those orange flavoured vitamins for kids seven bags of different dried beans a load of little jars of herbs and spices and finally a cellophane wrapped pack of the best sensitive skin moisturiser we stock stocked twelve squeezy bottles. Most of it goes in the bathroom which is fine because I didnt have enough in there anyway and the beans end up stuffed into the bread bin I dont know why Id not used it before its been standing empty since the last bread delivery three months back. Im tired even though we only worked half a day it must be the excitement or stress anyway so I strip off for a shower and stand in it until the water starts to cool then I dry off carefully on the arms then put on lots of layers but making sure I only pick short sleeves. I use some more of the first bottle of moisturiser theres about a quarter left and put another bottle in the fridge with it in advance. Then I lie on the bed with me arms out like jesus for hours until it gets dark and I fall asleep.
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I do nothing the next day. I dont have a shower but I run me arms under it to clean off the gunk and I want to put more on straight away but I cant afford to run out so Im going to have to be careful with it its about as valuable as food to me. Straight away I start thinking about how nice it is and how I want to use some and how I cant and its stupid but I feel like crying and after an hour of lying back on the bed with me nails dug in me palms going hup hup I feel so bad that nothing can help not even the moisturiser and I want to start doing it again and I start looking at me arms as if they were fine and thinking how I could cut them easy and it wouldnt matter but it would feel so good and then I can feel the knife in me pocket and that makes me get up and go in the kitchen and start cooking to stop thinking like that.
I can knock something up in no time usually but to keep me mind off other things and because me normal food is getting a bit boring I do something more complicated so while Im boiling lentils I open two or three of me new beans and get a handful of each going in separate pans and when its all done itll make more than I can eat in three days but thats okay itll store fine and for a while I feel almost happy warming me hands over the pans thinking about all the food Ive got at least Ill not starve soon I dont eat much anyway so I could probably go six months before I need more as long as they dont shut off the water but Ill not think about that. When the beans are ready I drain them and when the lentils are done I do the same mix them all up and leave them to dry then I make a kind of sauce with water a stock cube and some spices and later I fry them in it and it does make loads most of which goes in a bigger tub for later but the rest goes in me and its pretty good fills me up.
Outside its starting to get dark and for some reason I start thinking about me mum god knows why maybe its the food but I dont know why it would be because I make it better than she ever did the vegan stuff anyway no actually all of it. But whatever I cant get her out of me head and I dont know where its going but I imagine having her round to eat what I just cooked and I can see us talking but not what about and I imagine her taking out this whole string one after another of rings wedding bands and stacking them up on the same finger like to compare or as if they were all current and I realise Im laughing out loud in the kitchen. I sit there for probably another twenty minutes looking at the phone every now and then before I get up and check the line which is still connected and Ive started dialling without thinking about it although I guess thats exactly what Ive been doing all this time so I dont hang up I just wait and then the ringing tone comes and I start to shiver. I still know her voice but I suddenly cant remember how she answers the phone what words she uses its been that long since I called her and Ive no idea what Im going to say probably Ill just say hi its me and see what happens next probably shell be silent then god knows and the phone is still ringing and she hasnt picked up.
I hang up after five minutes and I can still hear the sound of the ring even when I go into the bedroom and lie down and stare at the ceiling. I think about me arms and I hold them up in front of me eyes to look at but Im not really seeing them now Im seeing the shapes they used to have on them that I cant see anymore I saw an old film black and white when I was five or something where a guy in a prison used to mark off the days on the walls until he got out. I wonder if it could go on so long you start making marks on top of the marks until it becomes more like crossing days out instead of marking them off. The knife is in me pocket I get it and pull the blade out and put it on me left arm and make a slow cut it starts straight and hurts a lot and makes me hands shake like crazy and the cut ends up jagged and I get a runner of blood hot down to me elbow. I put the knife back in me pocket and cup me hand under the blood until it stops and then I got up went to the bathroom and washed me hand and wiped me arm carefully then went back to bed and fell asleep.
I wake in the night its still dark and I dont know why and then I hear the noise and then a bang that is so loud it must be in me flat and the voices and I think it was me kitchen door being smashed open and Im totally awake and Im so scared. All the lights are off until the one in the kitchen goes on and I can hear them moving around in there and theres a lot of noise and then I hear rain the sound of rain in me kitchen and a voice is swearing and the rain gets louder. A voice says potatoes here and theres some more talking but then the light from the kitchen is blocked by a man in the doorway looking at me and he says Ive got another one in here and the voices stop the rain too. Take it I say except the words hardly come out and he says take what the potatoes thanks we will what else and I say all of it he says chilli powder wont cut it bitch theres nothing in your fucking freezer and he comes straight at me and I shuffle back but he drags the sheets away and pulls me off the bed and holds me by the arm not the cut one. Theres two more guys in the kitchen looking at us and one asks any money and the others says sod money is there no bloody food in here or what and behind them I can see rice and lentils and others lying all over the floor theres even some drifts of it.
The first guy drags me towards the door and I dont want to go in there and yank me arm out of his grip and I take two steps backwards towards me bed before his fist gets really big then me face goes bam and I fall flat on the bed on me back and the next thing I know is the hurt from me chin to me nose and its all red hot and stinging and the rest of me face is sticky as if Ive been crying but I dont remember now someones dragging me on me toes through the kitchen me heads hanging and I can see two lines being drawn through the drifts of me food and footprints on either side I try and pull me head up and I see their feet kicking it around with each step and I see the other one hes got the bottle of moisturiser from the fridge hes squirting it all over then were outside I cant keep me head up me dead garden passes under me then pavement and then I hear a familiar sound and then Im being pushed into a car back seat and I start to struggle and then the back of me head goes bam again
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theres this big moving press on me I can hardly breathe for the weight of it and then everything runs up into me head and makes me feel sick then it all runs out again and I feel dizzy its the car moving turning corners with me lying down and then I feel a hand pulling at me panties and I realise the weight is a person trying to fuck me. I dont open me eyes I dont want to see it I screw them up but I hit with the arm not crushed against the seat only for him to pin me down by me elbow and I cant do anything now as he tugs me panties down a bit just enough barely. Go on says a voice from the front go on and the heavy breathing above me goes keep your eyes on the fucking road and when he tries to stick his thing in although Im no expert part of me brain thinks hes not very good at this. Then he gets it right half right but it hurts a lot and I cant keep me eyes shut and I can hardly see anything but the hair under his chin and in his collar and I look down at where hes pinning me arm while he shakes about Im still dressed me arms are still covered and the same part of me brain goes at least he didnt see them and call me freak. And in the same moment that Im thinking of me cutting and of me one only other fuck if thats what it was I remember that me knife is in me pocket.
I can just fish it out with me pinned arm but its closed so I force me other arm from between me and the seat back and put it between us to pull out the blade and just as me fingers get it his belly presses down on me arm he feels it there and pins that one back as well but the blade comes out enough that I can flick it the rest of the way using the corner of me pocket. I stick it in his hip feel it grate on something and he makes a sound its a shriek and the car wobbles then a laughing voice says fucking hell is that your come voice but his hand lets go of me elbow so I pull it out again and reach up and stick it in the muscle at the back of his neck to the side and he screams and the car jerks hard and theres suddenly lots of shouting too and when I pull it out blood comes running down him and I cant feel him down there anymore.
I wave the knife forward between the seats and see it run down the back of an arm splitting open the sleeve below the shoulder and then theres two screaming and only one shouting and the wobbling feel of the car becomes long and swooping instead of tight and fast then theres three screaming and then theres a huge crunch and the weight goes completely off me then theres a smashing sound and now I can see the car all around me and no guy no rapist anymore the cars stopped. Me elbows really hurt not just there actually but it hurts to sit up on them even for a moment but I can see two of them in the front seats dangling forwards and theres no windscreen in front. I fall back but me arms are okay to reach past me head for the door handle and pull it and the door pops open so I wriggle up pushing it open until I slide out onto the road only its the pavement. I roll onto me side and get up feeling sick.
The front of the car is all crushed into a brick wall that is fallen down in the middle and the guy who was on me is on that now and hes not moving fuck him the other two are not moving either fuck them. I push down me skirt then pull up me panties a bit through it and me hands are empty I look in the back of the car and me knife is on the seat so I lean in and get it and I see me bag of potatoes on the floor behind the passenger seat and I pull me head out of the car bend over and puke. I straighten up and look around and I know where I am nearer the market than home but it wont take too long to walk and I start me legs shaking leaving the potatoes and putting the knife back in me pocket except I dont close it and I dont let it go either.
I wonder why me mum didnt answer the phone when I rang her was she there not answering or was she somewhere else I wonder if shes got food or if shes got someone now who can give her food I cant believe there are people like that out there even with everything gone wrong why do people do stuff like that what makes someone go so wrong. The knife in me pocket feels big with the blade out the pocket is only small tight around me hand and I can feel the blades shape against me thigh I hope shes safe they would have hurt me hurt me more I turn around and Im in the middle of the road not on the pavement the car isnt very far away yet nothings moving back there although there is some smoke or steam I think from the front I look away and try to walk faster but I feel shaky on me legs and nearly fall over I jab me leg with the blade through the inside of the pocket ow I hope shes safe we didnt get on since I was still quite little but I hope shes alright I hope shes there when I get home I mean Ill call her again and I hope she answers mum they would have hurt me mum ow they would have hurt me a lot mum I look behind again and the car is still hardly any distance if they came out now oh they could catch me again easy I fall over awkward with only one hand out ow ow me free hand is all grazed and bits of gravel in it mum but I get up and me knees are bleeding too ow ow ow. At the corner I turn to look again before Im off this street and the car is still near still still.
I cant see the car now but I keep seeing them theres no one on this street but I keep seeing them why would they do that god Ive crossed me free arm across me body and Im squeezing me other one making all the old cuts hurt and me bleeding hand too but I dont care I dont care anymore at all what difference does it make if its me or someone else theyd have hurt me and not cared either thats what they did. I look down and stumble again but I see the shape of me fist in me pocket lower down me bloody knees and me feet dropping down over and over and theres a little blood on the outside of me leg from where I jabbed with the blade and I want to cut so bad but not here inside oh everything goes blue and blurry and I wobble towards the wall and lean on it so I dont fall and I dont but I do smack me palm on it leaving a bloody print but the fire wakes me up a little.
I keep leaning on the wall as I walk handprints all along it but they could follow them if they saw them so I stop and try to walk without leaning although Im slower like this and I feel dizzy again Im so tired mum I just want to stop worrying about all this shit I just want to sleep until it has all got better or gone away I think she would understand that shed say dont worry youre nearly there were almost home now just get some rest mum Im scared theyll come back I cant sleep she says dont worry they wont come I want to cut again mum dont worry baby dont worry. Shes not here Ive started crying and Ive taken me hand out of me pocket with the knife Im close to home now shes right I can see the house up ahead and across the road and when I go to step onto the pavement I trip on it and go over on me palm and crush me fingers holding the knife handle ow oh ow but I get up and keep going its close now mum come home I will Im close enough to see me little garden and the open door inside but everything goes blue again deeper and Im close to it in the garden mum but I fall over again and its so soft Im not getting up mum rest now baby rest
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I open me eyes and its light its day I hurt all over me face me head me hands and knees and leg and Im sore between them a bit and then I remember it all and I want to scream. Im in the garden lying on soil looking down I can see the outline of me face pressed into it and I go to brush dirt off me cheek and stop when I see the knife in me hand the blade its so close to me I can see me eye in it looking back I cant take me eyes off it shiny sharp smooth Im not thinking just looking.
I get up feeling all the hurts in me as I do I keep looking back to the blade as I look around theres still no one to see I wonder if theres anyone left here at all or if it was just me and I wonder if everyones gone elsewhere and thats why mum didnt answer. I start towards the open door and I press the hand with the knife to me chest and I keep looking back down at between me breasts as I reach to pull the door open wider and step over the jam and go inside and looking down thats why I see the mess of dirt and footprints on the floor rice and stuff scattered and kicked into drifts splashes and puddles of moisturiser and little droplets of blood which is probably mine and even though Im looking at me bright cold blade and not them I also see something else and it makes me stop walking.
Near the empty moisturiser bottle theres a clot of mud its from a footprint soil from me garden that they trod in here but mixed up with the moisturiser and a bit of me blood a little blot of muck thats all but theres a green shoot sticking out of it not very big but its green and not going brown or black at the tip its just green green all the way. I stare and think its probably rice Ive never seen a rice plant only the grains everything starts going blue again and I remember to suck in a breath and I feel light headed but dont fall over.
Ive been staring for I dont know how long before I go and get a tub from the cupboard and collect all the moisturiser off the floor that I can I pull the top off the bottle and use the knife to scrape out whats left then I go outside and scoop up some more soil from the garden and mix it all together until its like mud too. I go back inside and I crouch down and sweep up the muddy clot and its little shoot into me palm it stings but I dont mind Ive got all sorts of rice and other things that will grow and soil and another eleven bottles that didnt get wasted and I know where I can get more I can get the manager to help I bet he keeps another set of keys.
I sit down at me kitchen table and using the knife I make a hole in the mud to plant the little blade of grass.