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View Full Version : My first Feature!


Hekaterine
19th Nov 2006, 18:10
I've written this as part of my creative writing class, so would be interested to hear any thoughts and feedback.


I died in a car crash in 1980. My sister was driving; we were doing about 50 in a 60 limit and a woman in a white Vauxhall pulled out from a side road. I learned all of this afterwards – all I remember at the time was Sue shouting “Jesus Christ, she’s not stopping!” followed by the scream of metal against metal as we scraped the railings at the side of the road and the crunch of the bonnet against the stone wall ahead. I remember opening my eyes; they seemed to be filled with blood but I could still make out the quivering shape of the bonnet, crumpled like the foil round a Christmas turkey and Sue in the driver’s seat; still and staring.

I knew that she was dead and that I must be dead too. No-one could have survived a crash like that. I heard the fire brigade say as much when they were cutting us out of the mangled bodywork. Even the papers, on reporting the case of the other driver (causing death by dangerous driving – two years suspended sentence) said so.

The problem for me has not been coming to terms with my death. I have been resigned to being dead every day of the 26 years since it happened. My problem has been convincing anyone else of my demise.

My psychiatrist tells me that I’m delusional and perhaps I am.

“Do you think you are a ghost?” he asks me.

Stupid man.

The hardest part is trying to talk to my husband about it. I need so much reassurance and he really doesn’t know what to say. He has aged more than a quarter of a century’s worth since it happened and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to stop asking.

“Did you cry when they told you I was dead?” I ask him.

“I was very worried when I heard you were in hospital, you know I was.”

“But did you cry? What was it like organising my funeral? Did you cry? Do you miss me?”

“You were in hospital Jane. You were unconscious for 3 days but you didn’t die. You’re here now. I don’t know how to tell you in a way that you can understand.”

See what I mean.

The reaction of other people is varied. I don’t always volunteer the information, you understand, but sometimes it’s necessary to explain. At a dinner party a couple of years after the accident, someone asked Jim if we were planning on having children and, seeing his hesitation, I felt the need to explain why that wasn’t possible.

We haven’t been invited back.

Jim works long hours. Sometimes I think he needs to be away from me. I don’t blame him; I know I’m hard to be around. He looks tired and pale and I wish I knew how to make things better. He has to entertain clients for work but he doesn’t take me with him any more. I don’t know what he tells them; perhaps he says he is a widower, or that his wife is sick or mad. I don’t know which is true.

There are many ways of being dead. This is just one of them.

Beth
19th Nov 2006, 19:34
Hello Hekaterine, I'm already a huge fan of your wickedly funny posts and I love what you're doing here with the totally unreliable narrator. I think you have the beginnings of what could be a very good short story. There's an event, those involved directly and peripherally, conflict between what is and what is desired by all, and the potential for all of that to be explored using lots and lots of words!

You have a strong story framework with the car crash and the deaths of two young women. Or do they die? I would love to read all about the two on the date in 1980 that culminated in the crash. Who is the narrator? Who is her sister? Where were they going? What was the scenery, season, even weather, and, oh most importantly, what were they talking about as they drove toward their fate? You could set the picture of the crash amidst vivid description, lots of dialogue, and by establishing something about the narrator that will connect her to the reader. Were the girls shopping for something, were they going to visit someone they loved, were they plotting something, just infinite varieties to what was going on before the accident. Then the same drawing out of all the details surrounding the firemen, the psychiatrist (what a potential dialogue feast!), the husband, the dinner party.

For me the hardest thing about writing has always been that painstaking 'catching smoke in a bottle' that James Baldwin describes, the slowing everything down to choose each word so that it resonates and belongs on the page. I always want to hurry to get to my point and find it so tough to allow the story to unfold at a sustained pace. And it's been years since I've even tried. I'm so glad you posted your work. I love encouraging writers and reading their progression. I'd really enjoy seeing where you take your story! If you'd like, tell us more about your class and what it involves...

leyla
20th Nov 2006, 8:22
Hello Hekaterine. I thought this was a very powerful and intriguing opening to what could be either a short story or a novel. It certainly gets the reader hooked from the start, and I would definitely want to read the rest of the story when it's written. It will be interesting to see how you develop the narrator. Is she deluded? If so, will she have other symptoms and signs of a psychotic mental illness, to make her delusions more believable? Or is this the more unusual case of an isolated delusion - she is totally convinced about this fact but in all other aspects of her life, she has no other hints of mental illness? Or could she be telling the truth? In which case, you will have to decide how to pitch the story - will it be, like The Lovely Bones, a mixture of harsh reality and imaginative ideas about what happens after death? Will it be like Truly Madly Deeply?
Whatever, it is certainly a potent start to a story, and since getting the reader enthralled from the star is so important, you have achieved the vital first step beautifully.

Hekaterine
20th Nov 2006, 8:38
Thank you both for your comments. I hadn't thought of doing anything with it, to be honest. Like I said, we were experimenting with beginnings and endings for my creative writing class and this was basically my 'homework'.

I feel quite inspired now to make this an introduction and take it further - maybe as a 'long short' story.

I'll have to think about where to take my 'unreliable narrator' - love that term Beth! In my mind, her death is a delusion but I'm not sure where that could take the story or how it might end.

I don't really want her to be a 'ghost' - it's a bit too simple. Notty suggests she could be dead and her continued existence is actually her husband's delusion but that feels a little complex for simple ol' me.

I'll put a bit more time into this and perhaps post a bit more up.

Lucoid
20th Nov 2006, 13:14
Please do - I look forward to finding out more after you've hooked me so completely with this piece. Good luck and have fun!

Noumenon
20th Nov 2006, 21:03
I'm glad you posted this now, because it means I get to read it before I go away and leave Palimpsest in my wake (for a week anyway). I like it too and I think it would make a good short - there's plenty of potential directions to take it in.

...the scream of metal against metal as we scraped the railings at the side of the road and the crunch of the bonnet against the stone wall ahead. I remember opening my eyes; they seemed to be filled with blood but I could still make out the quivering shape of the bonnet, crumpled like the foil round a Christmas turkey...What struck me first was, hmm, a couple of clichés here, until it became clear that the woman isn't dead at all - she's just distancing herself from a horrible experience. It occured to me that this might be a useful thing to hang your story from: if the narrator's reports of her experience resort to laboured cliché, perhaps challenging her with more unique/personal/visceral reports could break her out of the delusion - alternatively, her reports changing from cliché to stark non-cliché could be a signal of either recuperation or deterioration depending on what you want to say with it.

Interesting though! I hope we'll see more soon. In fact I hope we just see bits of original work appearing from all and sundry - I'm greedy for more!

Hekaterine
21st Nov 2006, 18:14
Interesting viewpoint, and some food for thought, thanks Nou. I originally didn't have any description of the accident in, tbh and bunged it in because I felt it was a bit too stark without (should I have admitted that?)

Now that I'm thinking of taking it further and using the piece above as a prologue, I may remove the description anyway and use the body of the work for the descriptive sections, keeping her present-tense narrative for the more pithy observations of her life/death.

I'm considering moving between her present tense narrative, some hindsight observations and perhaps her medical/psychiatric reports. Not sure how that will work.

Ah well, best to get scribbling and see what comes forth.

Lucoid
22nd Nov 2006, 12:37
Just a thought - saw an episode of Scrubs the other day where a patient was convinced he was dead. No idea whether the writers made the condition up or not, but it might be worth looking into. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of the condition.

Hekaterine
23rd Nov 2006, 9:06
Thanks Lucoid. I work in a mental health trust so I'll see if one of the psychologists can help me.

aemy
26th Nov 2006, 1:28
Hi Hekaterine:

I don't know what your class instructor might want you to do with this great piece, but I like it just the way it is! I like what looks like a dilemma that is understated but very clear. And I LOVE ambiguity. The narrator has told just about all the significant people in her life what she's aware of. And they don't believe her. Whose problem is that?

"There are many ways of being dead: this is just one of them."

Perfect.

You could expand it, but as a short piece I think you could leave it exactly as it is.

Congrats,

Aemy

gil
27th Nov 2006, 10:51
Read this for the first time today. I liked it a lot, and it's just perfect as it is.

Hekaterine
28th Nov 2006, 14:47
Thanks Gil and aemy. I'm leaving it be for now and perhaps I'll submit it for a short story competition if a suitable one comes up.

The actual intention from my class was to work on beginnings and endings to see if you can grip the reader from the word go and not leave them disappointed at the end.

I do think I have achieved that.