The best crap reviews in Amazon

[youjustmightlikeit]

You know the score, you've read a book that's so unutterably shite that you can't quite believe it's been published. You have a peek on Amazon to view the carnage making reviews that it deserves, and you get some people saying 'It was a genius work of literary fiction - better than Shakespeare' or something to that effect.

Well here's my favourite:-

The book: Lives of The Monster Dogs, by Kirsten Bakis

Just to set the scene, it is the worst book i have ever read, by quite some margin. It is as bad as it sounds, it is about dogs living as humans in NY city dressed in smoking jackets and eventually all wiping themselves out. It's awful, so awful i can't even portray how awful. The blurb tells us of how the author Kirsten Bakis had just graduated from her creative writing course in NY city before she got a deal for this sack of shit. It reads like the effort for her first set of homework; like a GCSE essay, but without the panache of the school thicko. AWFUL, BAD, bordering on illiterate. Unsurprisingly, it is her first and ONLY book to date.

The reviews (and there are some beauties):

An incredible literary work!, 3 January, 1999
Reviewer: Greywolf2k@aol.com from Westchester, New York

Kirsten Bakis takes on the chalenge (sic) of creating a beleivible (sic) novel about the fantastic and pulls it of masterfuly (sic). Diving into the mind of a madman or the emotions of a manmade race of human-dogs on the edge of demise, she writes her first novel with an incredible feeling of sympathy and awe of the bizzare and thought-provoking, the acts of the human mind and the longing to belong. Lives of the Monster Dogs is a masterpiece of its time.

Haunting. Written on Two levels of masterwork., 29 August, 1998
Reviewer: magpie247@yahoo.com from Connecticut
This novel gave me chills. It was beautifully written. This book is one that must be read more than once. This is because of the minute detail- the symbolisim (sic), the thematic ties. It must be read deeply and read over to see these situations- shadows of Nazi Germany and the AIDS epidemic. It is a meaningful ending, not hallucinatory as one might think at first glance, but symbolic. I found it to be powerful and richly written- this is not really a story about talking dogs. Like Orwell's classic Animal Farm, this book goes beyond its animal qualities. Strip them away, and you are left with a moving fable for our times.

I loved this book! Very creative!, 23 August, 1998
Reviewer: bdevries@cfund.org from Texas, USA
I seldom read novels anymore, because my time is usually spent reading "serious" subjects, either technical magazines or news. But this book caught my eye after reading a book review, and I had to read it over the Christmas holiday. I predict that this book will be the successor to Bram Stoker's Dracula and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

I've saved the best for last

The best book I've ever read!, 25 March, 1998
Reviewer: A reader from Ausralia (sic)
I LOVED this book, and usually I won't spend over ten dollars on a book, but it was worth it for this one. It was wonderfuly written and I would recremend (sic) it for every one to read.

Beautiful

[John Self]

There's a thread on the Guardian talkboards dedicated to "hilariously bad Amazon reviews (http://booktalk.guardian.co.uk/WebX?50@76.kgUwbF9aDUg.1@.ee7dfe4/288)" which is worth a look.

Here are some reviews of Jeffrey Archer books from Amazon's UK site:

This book is an excellent introduction to Jeffery Archer especially if you hesitate to read long books. It will make you want to read everything else he has written. I read it a number of years ago but I hadn't visited London then. I never re-read books but after I visited London I re-read this one and it was still just as good.

Jeffrey Archer is one of the best authors of our time. I never use to read thick books until I started reading Jeffrey Archer's book. (A pattern develops - or was "thick" a pun?)

The best book i've ever read and i think it alwyas will be!

This book was a excellent read I found myself being swept along in this excellent SC-Fi (about The Eleventh Commandment, a political/espionage thriller)

A masterpiece of modern literature

We'll leave it there thanks. I suppose the reason these people write reviews online rather than sending letters of praise to the publisher is because they're not allowed anything sharp in there. So Jeffrey Archer novels qualify. Boom boom.

[Colyngbourne]

This for one of my worst books this year - Quadehar the Sorcerer - which someone loaned me under the impression I like all fantasy books. What's worse, a five star review on Amazon from someone in my county (but not the loaner of the book, I don't think). I'd give it a hefty minus twenty or so (granted that it is for children).

Definitely one to add to your collection., 18 June, 2003 Reviewer: A reader from durham, Co durham United Kingdom
It is said 'you can't judge a book by its cover' but this book's wonderful cover gives the reader a true glimpse of the story within.
The short chapters carry you through at a pace which never flags or gets boged down as so many otherwise great books do. The main characters are well rounded and believable and Master Quadehar, Sorcerer of the Guild is especially memorable even though his appearance is fairly limited.
The book is set in The Lost Isle a world which is a mixture of modern (computers), and medieval, (knights on horseback) as well as magic. Eric L'Homme gives enough information to bring it and The Uncertain World, the other world the characters travel to, into clarity with out going over board.
The storyline is as compelling as The Healers Keep by Victoria Hanley or Song Quest by Katherine Roberts yet more streamline and focused than either. This is the first book in the 'Book of the Stars' series and it leaves lots of questions to be answered but is complete and satisfying in itself.
The only flaw in my opinion was there were some very short pieces of dialogue between the young heroes which was, well immature! Realistic no doubt but realism isn't always best in dialogue! But these exchanges were few and short and so did not spoil the whole.
Personally I can't wait to get my hands on the next book. Quadehar is one of those characters like Sparrowhawk in A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin, who gets under your skin. It has left me expecting great things from him in the next installment.
If you are looking for an entertaining, compelling and easy to read but not so easy to put down book try this one.

I won't even go near reviews of The Year of Wonders

[Lizzy Siddal]

I have to admit sometimes I'm swayed by the reviews, sometimes I buy anyway. How about a sometimes option in the poll?

[kumquat]

well i say it's always good to keep yourself from being boged down.

[JunkMonkey]

No, because I tend to buy randomly available second-hand books first and then read reviews afterwards. And then mostly when I have not enjoyed the book just to reassure myself that I'm not the only person in the world who thought whatever it was was shite.

[amner]

Having just bought Ben Elton's The First Casualty, which uses the Battle of Passchendaele as it's backdrop, I did a bit of a trawl over Amazon to see what people had written.

How's about this for ham-fisted:

http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/G/02/x-locale/common/customer-reviews/stars-4-0._V45457020_.gif Thought Provoking But Stereotypical In Areas, 30 May 2007
By Chris C "manxdude87" (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A3740AOJO8AFZC/ref=cm_cr_auth/026-8349341-4618869) (United Kingdom) - See all my reviews (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A3740AOJO8AFZC/ref=cm_cr_auth/026-8349341-4618869?ie=UTF8&sort%5Fby=MostRecentReview)
http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/G/02/x-locale/communities/reputation/c7y_badge_tr_5._V45450668_.gif
I wouldn't have put it past Ben Elton to write a thriller in any sense; the co-creator of The Young Ones, the host of Saturday Night Live; but one can't help but wonder how the story flows.

Based in the early twentieth century, 'Casualty' follows the tale of rogue police officer Kingsley who is forced to investigate the murder of a British soldier.

There are plenty of twists and turns throughout the story and its good cause it gives the reader his or her own idea of how its going to end up. It could be argued the whole idea of false identities, framed persons, love in war etc is a very typical war crime story, but nonetheless its only a minor thing.

It may not be for everyones taste, but with great dialogue, some quite extreme imagery and an ever twisting storyline, The First Casualty is a treat.

Love it: 'quite exteme'; 'its good cause it gives the reader his or her own idea of how its going to end up'; 'one can't help but wonder how the story flows' (or that sentence, Chris, frankly).

And how about ' Based in the early twentieth century' as opposed to 'The Great War'? THE EARLY TWENTIETH CENTURY!!!?

[MisterHobgoblin]

I'm intrigued by the concept of a police officer being forced to investigate a murder.

[Noumenon]

I'm intrigued by the concept of a police officer being forced to investigate a murder.I think I know who did it.

[MisterHobgoblin]

I voted yes on the poll because I find nearly all the reviews enlightening - especially the ones that are obviously written by semi-literate chimpanzee teenagers - I just do the opposite of what they recommend. If they love a book, I won't. If they hate a book, I think it might be worth exploring.

[France]

I always look at the lowest reviews first and do take note of them sometimes providing they haven't been written by someone objecting to a passing reference to the Israelis being unfair to the Palestinians/slamming an anti-Iraq war paragraph/hating it bbecause it says nice things about Catholics/praises Protestants/likes dogs or generally has a belief that doesn't fit in with the reviewer. I have a feeling that there must be groups of people who search out books with what they deem unsuitable or unptriotic content so they can give it one star.

However low Amazon reviews can be quite useful for debunking glowing press reviews written by journalists who know the author and for letting you know that so-called funny books simply aren't.

[MisterHobgoblin]

I always look at the lowest reviews first and do take note of them sometimes providing they haven't been written by someone objecting to a passing reference to the Israelis being unfair to the Palestinians/slamming an anti-Iraq war paragraph/hating it bbecause it says nice things about Catholics/praises Protestants/likes dogs or generally has a belief that doesn't fit in with the reviewer. I have a feeling that there must be groups of people who search out books with what they deem unsuitable or unptriotic content so they can give it one star.
I really enjoy reading those kinds of reviews.

In a similar vein, I have been to see David Peace twive at edbookfest. In GB84, all of the characters are referred to by nicknames - e.g. The Chairman; The President; etc. This is a device that David Peace uses to indicate that the characters are all fictitious, albeit based upon real figures. One character is referred to constantly as The Jew. He seems to have a shady relationship with the security service.

Anyway one chap paid good money to come and hear David Peace read, purely so that he could register how offended he was by this nickname.

Odd.

Then he paid more good money to come back the next year and make the same point.

Odd.

[JunkMonkey]

Literary masochism. I don't suppose it is that rare really, how else to explain the Joy of the Bad when it comes to reading the works of really awful Wrighters when we know there are so many more great unread books knocking about. Though I will admit this is a bit of an extreme example.

[BeccaK]

Amazon have now instituted a discussion feature in addition to their reviews. So it's now possible to give your opinion on a book quickly and with very little thought. ;-)

It's available for all the books I searched for, but must be a new feature, as the only page I found discussion on was this one:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Harry-Potter-Deathly-Hallows-Childrens/dp/0747591059/ref=pd_bowtega_2/203-4299836-9896729?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181740046&sr=1-2
I guess that it's hardly surprising!

I'll be sticking to these 'hallowed' halls, myself.

[MisterHobgoblin]

I tried to start a discussion about a favourite Wrighter, but it told me that I must have purchased an item from amazon in order to start a discussion. :cry:

[JunkMonkey]

Any book or just the one you are trying to discuss?

[BeccaK]

Any book or just the one you are trying to discuss?

Any book.

[MisterHobgoblin]

I loved this offering from reviewer number 198:


1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/G/02/x-locale/common/customer-reviews/stars-5-0._V45450368_.gif A new chapter for biographies, 14 Jun 2007
By J. S. Meins "fiftyfirstfloorfilms" (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A1J9EP67SEZ0CR/ref=cm_cr_auth/202-0692619-8526226) (UK) - See all my reviews (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A1J9EP67SEZ0CR/ref=cm_cr_auth/202-0692619-8526226?ie=UTF8&sort%5Fby=MostRecentReview)
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I think David Pearce has hit upon something here and I'd be surprised if his book isn't used as a template in future. "The Damned United" tells the story of Brian Clough's pre-Nottingham Forest career with two timelines running in parallel. In the first we see how he became a manager and made a name for himself with Hartlepool and Derby, whereas the second tells the story of his nightmare month at Leeds United, with the book ending as the two tales converge. It's a brilliantly revealing book that doesn't pull any punches and the story still seems relevant today. Pearce has clearly done his research (and then some...he credits 40 books!) and we get all the benefit, I can't believe how much I've learned about Brian Clough, Derby, Leeds United and the workings of a football club and I can't believe that it was such an amazingly enjoyable experience. "Damned United" works as an incredibly pacey, page turner to be read in one sitting or (thanks to the regular chapters) a perfect holiday book to dip in and out of. This is how all biographies should be written.

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Where to begin? Well, perhaps with the author's name. It is DAVID PEACE. It is in big letters on the cover. It's at the top of the amazon page. The cover of the book will also tell you that it is a novel, not a biography. The clue is in the words "A NOVEL".

Then there's the novel (boom, boom) idea of interleaving two stories. Perhaps it might catch on, but it certainly wasn't hit upon in a flash by David Peace. If the reviewer spent more time reading and less time watching bad videos and playing infantile computer games (see his other reviews - and it will be "his") he might realize that interleaving stories has been around for decades.

The suggestion of reading the book in one sitting is, perhaps, optimistic. It is 368 pages long and the writing is pretty intense. I found that I had to give it a break every 30-40 pages. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it tremendously, but you couldn't read it in one sitting unless you were treating it as a superficial exercise.

And finally - mystifyingly - he asserts that the two tales converge at the end. Actually they don't. The historical tale of Hartlepool and Derby ends where the Leeds story started. That's not converging.

[Kimberley]

I loved this offering from reviewer number 198

Some of the other praise is amusing, too. He seems to think holiday reading requires ''regular chapters'' (??) and,


I'd be surprised if his book isn't used as a template in future


Template for what, exactly?

[John Self]

Yes, that's what Pearce gets for writing a literary novel with a cover and subject matter that appeals to people who don't necessarily read much. He (and MrHG) has been here before (http://palimpsest.org.uk/forum/showthread.php?p=58040&#post58040).

[MisterHobgoblin]

Gosh - is it really the same chap? If so, he has managed to write two different egregious reviews of the same book.

[John Self]

Oh no, I just meant Peace has been here before. Maybe it is the same chap though, I didn't actually check the Amazon pages.

[Ang]

BeccaK provided this doosy of an amazon review for our current Book Group read The Blackwater Lightship. So funny! Could I just point out that although I am American, I would not want any book written in English "translated"! We're not all the same, thank goodness!

Originally Posted by some unfortunate illiterate
Three generations of women who have been apart for many years come together when the youngest woman's brother is dying of AIDS. Sounds good, but so very far from the truth. First of all, the writer is from Ireland and in the book, words are spelled like they are from that country. (Example: pajamas is pyjamas, realized is realised, etc) Even though I tried to put that out of my mind, it bugged me not to see them the way I am used to seeing them spelled in America. Second, the writer has other novels under his belt, but this book seemed like it was written by an inexperienced or rather juvenile person. It did not flow smoothly, and ended rather abruptly. The way he described the scenes and the dialog that went with it, seemed to come from the mind of a 13 year old.....failing miserably at getting the reader into the scene; not allowing them to see or observe what is going on around the characters, but listen only to endless prattle. Unable to paint a clear picture. The one thing I did like, was learning what objects we use everyday are called in Ireland. (Example, the trunk of the car is the "boot", and the grocery cart is a "trolley". Also your bottom is called a "bum", not a homelss person.) But for the rest of it, I should have left it in the bookstore.

[BeccaK]

although I am American, I would not want any book written in English "translated"! We're not all the same, thank goodness!

Don't worry; it was from Amazon.ca, so I think your countrymen and women are absolved.

[Ang]

Don't worry; it was from Amazon.ca, so I think your countrymen and women are absolved.
Now that's surprising!

[Kimberley]

Thinking about replacing some of the books that I miss too much to leave in storage, I came across this review, that I found hilarious.
*0000
Reviewer: A reader

Mrs. Dalloway is one of the worst books I have read. It is not, in fact, about anything, particularly. It is instead a loosely linked ramble throught the minds of a large number of people in London. Every single one of them is dysfunctional or insane. Their reactions are like those of a manic depressive - one moment they are full of the joy of life, the next, they start to feel homesick and plunge into almost suicidal depression. If you think I'm exaggerating, take a flick through a copy of it.

It has been suggested that Woolf was interseted in examining what insanity (or even sanity) was, which certainly explains a lot. But there is no balance. I did not find one character that I could empathise with because none of them seemed remotely normal. Is this a reflection of society or a reflection on Woolf?
I've already probably made this book sound more interesting than it is. It is a tedious read. The language has been described as poetic and highly symbolic. True, she can write quite well in a technical sense, but I found little substance to what she wrote and the whole stream of consciousness style is very wearying. Also, I'm fairly suspicious of symbolism. The problem is that it can mean anything, and when you start to say that something is symbolic, where do you stop? Mrs. Dalloway is like that. It is considered to be so deeply symbolic that I suspect it isn't. It's just a bad, bad book.

[Stewart]

I don't particularly disagree. On my attempt at reading Mrs Dalloway all I could work out was that flowers were nice, apparently.

[Kimberley]

I don't particularly disagree. On my attempt at reading Mrs Dalloway all I could work out was that flowers were nice, apparently.

Stewart, for that, you just go into the garden and look! Meanwhile, do you also agree with her in being 'fairly suspicious of symbolism'?

[John Self]

Not seeking to answer for Stewart, but can someone tell me what symbolism is? I always thought it meant the author, well, symbolising things with the use of other things. "The lighthouse symbolises Helen's relationship with her family." But then I was told symbolism cannot be intentional on the part of the author (http://palimpsest.org.uk/forum/showthread.php?p=34052#post34052). So I don't know...

[Kimberley]

I think that's taking it too far. Symbolism may exist independently of authorial intention, but there's no requirement for it to do so.

[BeccaK]

then I was told symbolism cannot be intentional on the part of the author (http://palimpsest.org.uk/forum/showthread.php?p=34052#post34052). So I don't know...

Bah, I don't believe that it can't be intentional on the part of the author. I suppose that symbolism could be present without the intention of the author.

If knovella's assertion is true, then I'm not sure how the Symbolists deserve the name they have, since their symbolism was intentional. Is knovella perhaps making the wider assertion that what the author intends in their text is irrelevant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intentional_fallacy)?

EDIT: Cross posted with Kimberley, who said the same thing in about 1/4 of the words.

[Stewart]

Stewart, for that, you just go into the garden and look! Meanwhile, do you also agree with her in being 'fairly suspicious of symbolism'?

To be honest, I didn't read it. I just like dissing Mrs Dalloway because I couldn't make head nor tail of it after seventy pages and gave up. Twice.

[Kimberley]

Cross posted with Kimberley, who said the same thing in about 1/4 of the words.

Same sentiment though, Becca. Sometimes I think you and I must have had the same teachers. You didn't happen to go to Sydney University did you? ;-)

[BeccaK]

You didn't happen to go to Sydney University did you? ;-)

It would at least have been decidedly warmer!

[Ang]

If knovella's assertion is true, then I'm not sure how the Symbolists deserve the name they have, since their symbolism was intentional...
Now that's funny.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't have the tools to do literary analysis - I'm not sure I would enjoy reading as much as I do!

[JunkMonkey]

I'm desperately hoping this turns into right old ding dong so at some point I can make a joke about a Clash of Symbols...

I can wait.


... I'll get my coat and do it outside.

[Kimberley]

... I'll get my coat and do it outside.

I'm a bit concerned about that coat, JM. I hope the 'it' you mention is clashing symbols and not something that might cause alarm to small children and little old ladies.

Besides, why wear a coat when I've shown you the pattern for a perfectly good cape? :lol:

[JunkMonkey]

I will "leave inconspicuously - through the window".

[Oryx]

Ooh, I just love this lit crit stuff..

I'm not sure what kovella meant in saying that because clearly, whether you are using the New Criticism (Leavis, Frye, Bloom) or a Postmodern approach (Derrida, Acker, Jamieson), symbolism plays a key part in literary criticism. I use these two schools of thought as they have dominated the lit crit world for the past 90 or so years.

First the following quote for the New Criticism approach to symbolism:


New Critics emphasize that the structure of a work should not be divorced from meaning, viewing the two as constituting a quasi-organic unity. Special attention is paid to repetition, particularly of images or symbols, but also of sound effects and rhythms in poetry.


or, if the PoMo approach applies more, paraphrased from Noam Chomsky:


Finally, Postmodernism also borrows much from semiotics which is the study of symbols. Semiotics argues that language, consumption patterns of people, clothes, music, commodities and advertisements, and propaganda are all just symbols through which people attempt to communicate. Therefore the text of your books are relatively unimportant, what is important is what symbols the text communicate


What I find interesting, is not whether symbolism exists in a particular novel-it clearly does- but rather, how symbolism becomes motif, or if it ever does.

I know, wrong thread

[Stewart]

A small part from a review of The Book With No Name (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/customer-reviews/1843172836/sr=8-1/qid=1184326467/ref=cm_cr_dp_2_1/026-8221093-2466017?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort%5Fby=-SubmissionDate&n=266239&qid=1184326467&sr=8-1) by Anonymous. 1843172836 :roll:

if you don't understand the concept of comedy (eg monks swearing and boozing) then you might struggle with it. The humour is all obviously intentional, although sometimes perhaps too subtle for some???

Swearing is now subtle.

Amazingly, the more reviews you read of this the more tired you become of quotes like this:

it's like a Rodriguez / Tarnatino movie in the form of a novel.

[Kimberley]

A small part from a review of The Book With No Name (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/customer-reviews/1843172836/sr=8-1/qid=1184326467/ref=cm_cr_dp_2_1/026-8221093-2466017?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort%5Fby=-SubmissionDate&n=266239&qid=1184326467&sr=8-1) by Anonymous.

I bought this book in a Waterstones 3 for 2 offer. I usually try to make the 3rd one something I don't know much about, or something that might surprise me. I might need to stop doing this -- this book was so awful. I considered reviewing it here but the book isn't worth the effort of going further than this, the one line I used on my reading list...

42.Anonymous. The Book With No Name.:turd: 1/2. On the back, says don't read this. Really, don't. Should be The Book With No Readers.

(Sorry that I'm quoting myself here, it's not completely misplaced ego, I just didn't think it should be necessary to dig through my reading list to find).

(Notice the :turd: 1/2 however? I giggled typing that, because what exactly is half a :turd: ? This is, really, the only amusement I found from this book)

[Stewart]

Surely that reads as a poo-and-a-half, rather than half-a-poo? If it were half a poo then ½:turd: seems more appropriate.

[Kimberley]

What I was getting at, Stewart, is that half a :turd: is still a :turd: .

(What amazes me about Palimpsest is how in one post I can be discussing the source materials for various medieval manuscripts, and the next moment, pursuing debates like these :lol: )

[Ang]

Ah, but is a poo-and-a-half a lower rating than a half-poo?

[Kimberley]

Ah, but is a poo-and-a-half a lower rating than a half-poo?

Pretty much the same, actually.

[BiNS]

This (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000HWX1J8/ref=amb_link_4876972_4/002-4342959-5008869?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1MGWHN9XXMJ8YM5Q017V&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=290653301&pf_rd_i=909656) surely has to go on the crap reviews thread?

[Beth]

That is so funny! Wait til MrHobgoblin, Nou, or JfParis get a hold of that one.

[MisterHobgoblin]

Ah, but is a poo-and-a-half a lower rating than a half-poo?
Why would I award a half-poo rather than a poo-and-a-half?

I couldn't give a :turd:

[MisterHobgoblin]

This (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000HWX1J8/ref=amb_link_4876972_4/002-4342959-5008869?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1MGWHN9XXMJ8YM5Q017V&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=290653301&pf_rd_i=909656) surely has to go on the crap reviews thread?
I have my review (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/B000HWX1J8/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_top/105-7908471-0301205?ie=UTF8&n=172282&s=electronics#customerReviews)up (The Sword of Truth), but my version of amazon.com displays most helpful reviews first. I need helpful votes to share my wisdom with others.

[Kimberley]

http://forum.onlineconversion.com/images/smilies/rofl5.gif

You got a helpful from me. That is hysterical.

[John from Paris]

A vote from me too. Too bad that someone else got in there first with the quip about downloading...

[...] my version of amazon.com displays most helpful reviews first.

You can change this, Mr HG: at the top of Customer Reviews there's a mini-menu where you can choose Most Helpful First/Newest First/Highest Rating First, etc.

[BeccaK]

I've given you a 'helpful'.

It works just as well if you fit the paper to come over the top or round the back, but I prefer to do it over the top. I imagine most people would be the same and I confess I do turn the paper round when I go to someone else's house and they have it the wrong way round.

:razz:

[Beth]

Bravo, MrHG. A helpful from me too.

[MisterHobgoblin]

Thanks. Actually, I really do change the loo roll round in other people's houses if they have it the wrong way round. I've often wondered whether they ever notice.

[John Self]

I remember in the Simpsons episode where Marge and Homer have the kids taken away from them, one of the charges the social services make against them is "toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion."

[John from Paris]

Could we maybe have a poll on this?
I definitely prefer the paper coming over the top, although I've been told that the whole point about toilet paper is that it goes under the bottom.

[Kimberley]

I remember in the Simpsons episode where Marge and Homer have the kids taken away from them, one of the charges the social services make against them is "toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion."

Are you an underhander then, JS?

[gil]

I really do change the loo roll round in other people's houses if they have it the wrong way round
Are you my mother come back to haunt me? She used to do that, and, like you, insisted on the overhand method.

[Kimberley]

Could we maybe have a poll on this?
I definitely prefer the paper coming over the top, although I've been told that the whole point about toilet paper is that it goes under the bottom.

Hehehe JfP my impression was that you prefer everything over the top, but I think I see what you mean.

[amner]

I'm an overhander, too. Underhanding means it hangs against the wall. I mean, really.

[Beth]

OTT or bust.

[Kimberley]

OTT or bust.

Over your bust? That shows a surprising lack of antomical understanding, Beth.

[Beth]

8)

[amner]

When yjmli first titled this thread, I had no idea it would evolve to be taken so literally...

[John from Paris]

Hehehe JfP my impression was that you prefer everything over the top [...]

:-?


My mother is worse than gil's mother: she used to insist on the over-the-top way, but now she insists on the underhand way and denies ever having done otherwise. I may mention this to a shrink some day.

[Kimberley]

My mother and father are of firmly opposed opinions on this, which may be why I grew up such a confused individual.

[BeccaK]

Over the top, most definitely. I also correct this in other people's houses.

[Kimberley]

I always really admire people who have a passion in life.

[BeccaK]

My mother told me of the "right way" when I was about 21 - I'd never even noticed the two alternatives before. I ridiculed her at first, but since that date I have always swapped it round if I find someone has put it on the "wrong way". I feel like the Ancient Mariner.... only not really at all.

[Hekaterine]

Over the top - I used to be a chambermaid and that's how we were taught to do it. Otherwise you can't fold the attractive little 'v' into the loose end*

*obviously, I don't do this any more :oops:

[JunkMonkey]

:-?


My mother is worse than gil's mother: she used to insist on the over-the-top way, but now she insists on the underhand way and denies ever having done otherwise. I may mention this to a shrink some day.

And it's not the sort of thing for which you can easily produce documentary evidence . I mean how often do you photograph your toilet roll?



... must... resist... temptation ...



Edit: My thousandth post - and it's about toilet rolls. Just about says it all really.

[MisterHobgoblin]

They've deleted all the reviews for the loo roll dispenser :-(

[Colyngbourne]

I'm an overhander, too. Underhanding means it hangs against the wall. I mean, really.

Me too. :-)
Is this thread real?

[Kimberley]

They've deleted all the reviews for the loo roll dispenser :-(

Now, that's not fair. Whose interest is served by doing that? Amazon was getting hits, and you never know, someone who clicked on that page just for a laugh is just as likely as anyone else to want a musical loo. Perhaps more so.

[Daveybot]

Some nice reviews here (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000JTOYLS/ref=cm_rdp_product) for a single bic biro, but the first review I saw for a gallon of milk here (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00032G1S0/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) is just priceless. Here are the first two lines, and I'll let you see where it goes from there yourselves...

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately dairy-house decree:

[amner]

There are nearly 1000 reviews of the milk. It's not Hot Shot City, though, which is particularly good.

[John Self]

The customer discussions (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3QR3AC2WXWHIT/ref=cm_cr_dp_cmt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&ASIN=B000JTOYLS#wasThisHelpful)from one review of the Bic biro are excellent too.

I recently watched a film called the bourne identity, he killed a man with this very model of pen.


Maybe you could include some sort of protective device to prevent theft of your biro. I was in a bank yesterday and they had such a device to stop people walking off with their pens, you should contact your local branch for details

[Stewart]

Here's some great reviews (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/product/B001N6W8U0/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_next_4?_encoding=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=4) from Amazon of, wait for it, a twenty inch canvas print of Paul Ross.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51CgX1Y0whL._SL500_AA280_.jpg



My children died recently and, in solace, I hung this in their bedroom. I have now forgotten all about them and can't wait for Christmas.


If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get.



My wife said she wanted "20 inches of pure pleasure" for Christmas. This gift ticks all the boxes.



I am a merchant banker who put all of his savings into Woolworths shares. Last week, I was tieing a noose to my ceiling when I got an urge to look at Amazon one last time.

I saw the picture of Paul and all my worries were given perspective. Forget the credit crunch, the mugabe regime and the children of the Culcutta Railroad. Buy this picture. Paul Ross is the king. Life is great.

Do they do wallpaper?



I have thrown out my flat screen Samsung, - literally, i live on the 6th floor - and replaced it with this media masterpiece. The family gaze at it for hours, amazed.



Three days ago we saw this picture, and as so many on here have done, we had to have it. It arrived yesterday, and was immediately hung over our bed. Last night, with the kind moon face of Paul looking down and blessing us, we made love all night long, as he wanted us to.

This morning my wife has already been sick three times, and has just confirmed that she felt little kicks inside her. Thanks Paul. We owe you one.

[paddyjoe]

http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/02/x-locale/common/customer-reviews/stars-1-0._V45451574_.gif Disappointed, 19 Dec 2008
Don't buy this picture. It looks fine on the website, but the one they send you is upside-down. My wife hasn't stopped crying for a week.

Shoddy, Amazon. C-.

:lol:

[John Self]

One of my favourite things about Amazon is their willingness to allow people to abuse their reviews and other features to promote their own stuff. They don't really seem to take any notice of it. Recently I noticed a chancer who was posting pictures of his own book cover as 'customer images' of bestselling titles. But Listmania lists are the most blatant method - here (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Brilliant-new-fiction/lm/R2C7YT7U3IO13V/ref=cm_lmt_srch_f_1_rsrssi1) is a list ("Brilliant new fiction") which features 24 books you've heard of, and one, right at the top, that you haven't. Chasing Dreams (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chasing-Dreams-Aaron-Jennings/dp/1849231354/ref=cm_lmf_tit_1_rsrssi1) by Aaron Jennings? Well, it must be a good book - it's got five ***** reviews!

[gil]

In the course of looking at JS's link, I chased up the sales rank of my Computer Adventures book - 763,027 (Eat your heart out, Sean Wright) - and discovered that, finally, I have a genuine customer review from someone calling himself TheRealEasterBunny. Thank you, Bunny.

[Hinton]

I have a weird old relationship with Amazon, having spent too many happy hours trawling the review pages gawping at wrong thought. It can't be healthy, but I find it hard to look away.

Take this gem:

13 of 30 people found the following review helpful:
http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/x-locale/common/customer-reviews/stars-1-0._V47060502_.gif not a good movie., December 14, 1999
By Charhttp://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/x-locale/common/carrot._V47081519_.gif (http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A1EARZHTY6KHPE/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp) (Somerville, MA) - See all my reviews (http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A1EARZHTY6KHPE/ref=cm_cr_pr_auth_rev?ie=UTF8&sort%5Fby=MostRecentReview)
This review is from: The Big Lebowski (VHS Tape) (http://www.amazon.com/Big-Lebowski-Jeff-Bridges/dp/6304994540/ref=cm_cr_pr_orig_subj)
I had no expectations for this movie, as I did not know anything about it beforehand, but it was still a disappointment. It just seemed to go on forever. I guess with movies that have no real plot, there can't actually be much of a natural ending. It had pointless obscene language and drug use. The dialogue was not funny, in fact the characters were so stupid with their back-and-forth it was frustrating. Maybe all the pot-smokers out there will think it's trippy, but if you aren't into that, don't waste your time on this one.

That's a review of The Big Lebowski. Gaze on it Palimpians! Shudder at the prudishness, the tin ear for quality dialogue and the total sense of humour faliure; and the moralising! Oh the moralising.

[saliotthomas]

I had no expectations for this movie, as I did not know anything about it beforehand, but it was still a disappointment


The unbearable lightness of being.:mrgreen:

[amner]

Good to see you back, H.

[Stradlater]

I have a weird old relationship with Amazon, having spent too many happy hours trawling the review pages gawping at wrong thought. It can't be healthy, but I find it hard to look away.

Take this gem:



That's a review of The Big Lebowski. Gaze on it Palimpians! Shudder at the prudishness, the tin ear for quality dialogue and the total sense of humour faliure; and the moralising! Oh the moralising.



Agreed, Hinton. Big Lebowski has to be in my top ten movies, I reckon, and I think it contains some of the finest dialogue ever written.

[gil]

I agree with that reviewer. Lebowski was tripe. It was so pleased with itself, it made me sick. Waste of celluloid. And magnetic tape.